CHICAGO – In a groundbreaking exposé, The Reality Register has obtained internal documents and communications from a disgruntled scientist at an unnamed fast-food giant, revealing a secret plan to produce a “chimera burger.” This culinary concoction is set to revolutionize the fast-food industry by blending protein from food-grade cockroaches, lab-grown beef, and human muscle fibers cultured from fetal tissue.
According to the leaked documents, the fast-food giant has been breeding a heavier breed of Madagascar cockroach since at least 2022. Over a dozen generations, these hissing insects have been meticulously selected to develop a softer exoskeleton, with less chitin and more of the gooey insides that consumers crave. This innovative approach aims to introduce a new source of protein into the American diet while satisfying the taste buds of even the most discerning diners, all while emitting substantially fewer greenhouse gases than conventional beef production.
While the use of cultured ground beef may not come as a surprise to anyone paying attention, the inclusion of human fetal tissue raises ethical concerns, particularly among backward religious zealots. Abortion restrictions in some regions may impact the supply of fetal tissue currently used in the process. However, the documents suggest promising advances in the culture of lab grown human tissues, resulting in a succulent meat that is poised to cater to wealthier clientele seeking fresh, upscale offerings like the “California Cheeseburger.” Handwritten notes in the lab reports supplied to TRR indicate that the cultured baby meat “tastes just like the real thing.”
Government regulators expressed audible sighs when contacted for comment by The Reality Register. Despite handwaving away any consumer concerns, they emphasized that this innovation exemplifies what makes America great, showcasing scientific advancements in biotechnology and animal husbandry. Furthermore, it harks back to the indigenous tradition of utilizing every part of the buffalo, extending to the utilization of unwanted human tissue harvested daily by organizations such as Planned Parenthood.
This revelation has ignited a fierce debate across various sectors of society. Entomophagists, individuals who advocate for the consumption of insects, hail the chimera burger as a sustainable and environmentally friendly source of protein. Cannibalism enthusiasts, meanwhile, express enthusiasm at the prospect of including human muscle fibers in their diets, albeit in a socially acceptable and ethically sourced manner. Meanwhile, fast food enthusiasts have never once been consulted on their preferences, and there is no indication that they are actually human.
As the fast-food industry hurtles toward this brave new culinary frontier, it raises critical questions about the future of food production and consumption. Will consumers embrace the chimera burger as a novel delicacy, or will foolish ethical concerns overshadow its potential popularity? Only time will tell as the fast-food giant prepares to unveil its latest creation, promising to tantalize taste buds and challenge preconceived notions about what constitutes a burger. Stay tuned as The Reality Register continues to uncover the truth behind the sizzling headlines of the fast-food world.
Stan Dirkson
