Welcome back, Reality Readers, to another edition of Reality Rumors, where we dive deep into the juiciest gossip from the realms of the unknown and the unexplored. It’s a world where truth is often stranger than fiction, and this week, we’ve got a tantalizing mix of the bizarre, the scandalous, and the downright jaw-dropping. So grab your popcorn and settle in, because things are about to get wild!
Necromancers and Political Shenanigans: American ingenuity is back, baby! Looks like some enterprising necromancers have figured out a way to “pre-animate” nearly deceased corpses by possessing a decaying mind in between heartbeats. I don’t want to spoil all the excitement for next November, but there are a couple of old dudes that are both at death’s door and one of them is going to occupy a very powerful seat. Unfortunately, a necromancer is going to be in the driver’s seat.
Mermaid Madness: 2023 saw a lot of talk about mermaids and what they look like, but it looks like 2024 is showing us a whole new part of their world, as an online house of ill repute has reported their very first half fish, half lady streamer. Early indications are that she’s cleaning up even better than Dawn dish detergent after an oil spill, as online goons have been throwing a king’s ransom to see her underwater livestreams with costars as varied as human males, sharks, and even crustaceans. Geeze, what ever happened to the swimsuit issue?
Cryptid Censorship: A certain hairy cryptid (no not THAT one) has found himself banned from the pages of the world’s greatest newspaper, at least for a little while. It seems that his hot takes on which social media is worth using, and why, have led to some limited reach for the growing publication. His exclusive interviews have been a hit, and everyone knows he’s the greatest cryptid ever. Give him another chance, Stan!
Werewolf Woes: And now for some sad news. It seems that there might be no silver bullet for bad dog behavior, but there are some for problem werewolves. An elite group of lycanthrope commandos has been disbanded after a savage massacre occurred at a US Mail facility near Camp David. Apparently, the full moon struck while a security sweep was being done ahead of a presidential visit, and several mail carriers were disemboweled. Man, dogs really do hate mailmen!
Casting Catastrophe: Hollywood execs reacted as if they had sand in their cracks when they saw this weekend’s blockbuster. Apparently, they had ordered a beautiful leading lady, but instead, they got a face that only a giant worm could love. Hopefully, heads will roll in the casting department, because no one is buying her as the most beautiful woman on the Silver Screen.
And there you have it, folks! Another whirlwind week in the realm of Reality Rumors. Until next time, remember: truth is stranger than fiction, but gossip is always more entertaining. Stay scandalous, my friends!
The Secret Sleuth
