Alright, so I’m going to do something a little unorthodox this week, as it’s a way to end a very unorthodox week. As reported earlier this week, a writer here at The Reality Register took his own life in an effort to better himself and take on the lucrative career of ghostwriting. I was preparing a very touching tribute to Andrew this morning to post here, but guess who just showed up and started complaining to me? You guessed it, it’s Andrew Crowe’s ghost.
I started listening to him, but then realized that now without content this week, why not just let him dictate his woes to me so I can put out a big warning to anyone thinking that transitioning to ghost is going to make all your problems go away? So, here’s Andrew, now known as the ghost of Andrew, with the big scoop of the afterlife.
Thanks Hiram. So, becoming a ghost was a big step for me, one that I thought was going to solve everything, but thus far, kicking the bucket was the worst decision I ever made. You see, I had big plans to become a ghostwriter, but let me tell you, being a ghost is nothing like what I expected. Here are five reasons why being a ghost has been a total letdown:
- The Touchy Subject of Touching: You know what sucks? Not being able to touch anything. I’ve tried typing on computers and typewriters, wielding pencils, pens, and even crayons—all to no avail. It’s like my ethereal body has a no-touch policy, and being a writer, this is beyond a little frustrating. I can’t even record my own wails on my own, so there’s no way I can independently report on anything!
- Ghostwriting My Wrongs: As it turns out, being a ghostwriter is something completely different from just being a ghost that writes stuff. Shame on me for not knowing, I know, but this particular mix up is just down right ironic. I now can’t type my own stuff, so that means I’m going to have to shell out big bucks to hire an actual living, breathing ghostwriter to do the job for me. Let me tell you, these ghostwriters aren’t cheap. With some raking in up to $240,000 a year, my spectral dreams are quickly turning into a financial nightmare. Why do I have to keep writing you ask? Well…
- You’re Under Contract Even if You’re Six Feet Under: Just when I thought death would release me from the shackles of employment, I found myself stuck in a legal quagmire straight out of a horror movie. Thanks to the haunting echoes of the Supreme Court case M&G Polymers USA, LLC v. Tackett, I discovered that contracts don’t end at death. No, it turns out that as long as I still have some ability to express myself, I’m still under contract with Therealityregister.com. This means I’m still on the hook for churning out articles, but now I have to pay an arm and a leg for someone else to do the writing. Talk about adding insult to injury, but that’s not the worst of it…
- The Limited Haunting Grounds: I had big plans for my afterlife—spying on my ex-wife, uncovering government secrets, and scaring the bejeezus out of children for fun. But instead of roaming freely, I find myself confined to the front yard of my former house and certain parts of Hiram Glassman’s living room for some reason. It’s like being trapped in a haunted house with no way out, and let me tell you, the novelty wears off fast.
- The Ghostly Baggage: I thought death would bring relief from life’s problems, but turns out, I’m just a ghost with the same old issues. From unresolved grudges to unfinished business, being a ghost only amplifies the problems I thought I’d left behind. It’s like being stuck in purgatory with no way to escape. To make matters worse, the afterlife comes with its own financial obligations that I have to meet, a responsibility I thought I’d be free from but I now have two-fold.
So heed my warning, being a ghost is the pits. From the inability to touch anything to the financial burden of hiring a ghostwriter, the afterlife is far from spooktacular. Take it from me, folks—don’t aim to become a ghost. Stick to the living, where at least you can touch things without them slipping through your spectral fingers.
The Ghost of Andrew Crowe
Man, it looks like Andrew’s afterlife is hauntingly bad, but at least I have another week to think of another idea for my column, meanwhile, he has a….DEADline…..coming up on Monday!
Hiram Glassman
