Salut, les amis! The new month brings many of us who dwell in the Northern hemisphere a refreshing breath of spring air. April means we fully enter the sign of Sandwalker. Mercury is retrograde for most of the month and a warning must be given against improperly using machinery or driving like a lunatic. Pay closer attention to your appliances and repair or replace them if needed.
The Grey January 1 – January 29:
Poor thing. That paper cut you got on Planet X was no joke. It looks like Grey may have to put down the pneumatic air hammer and rest up for a bit. I guess you could start reading one of those books you threw aside years ago. Or, staring into space having a one-ET pity party always works. The choice is yours.
Etsai January 30 – February 27:
No one really gets you because you can be a little weird. On the other hand, you are probably the first one they come to when they need advice. Ask the great spiritual leaders throughout history and they will tell you wisdom comes at a price. For you? Alienation.
Doppelgänger February 28 – March 27:
April finds you leaving your comfort zone. The incoming time of Sandwalker may have you questioning how much influence you actually have in your own life. It could be time to take a solo trip to clear your mind.
Sandwalker March 28 – April 25:
The Crab-Meister feels like themselves again! You prance ecstatically through the week, clicking your claws and tapping your cute little crabbie feet. This is a great time to access past relationships and let go of any micro-plastic trash left over from bygone years. So, a relationship or job failed? Who cares?
Sasquatch April 26 – May 24:
Warmer weather is around the corner. It may be time to get that wax or shave so you can keep your cool into Summer. While there, why not get a beard trim and clean up a little around the neckline? Sassy femmes might want to invest in a new hair bow – you know, get those bangs out of your face a bit. Let everyone see your pretty eyes. There is no better time to show off than Spring mating season.
Chupacabra May 25 – June 22:
Goats are becoming tasteless. It would be a good week to try out a new restaurant. Go for something exciting. Try the rich, deep flavors of Indian food or the warming heat of Cajun cuisine. Break yourself out of that flavor rut.
Lusca June 23 – July 21:
Lusca! You naughty octopus! I know what you did. How, you might ask? Hello? Psychic. Duh. You might want to fess up and apologize before you get in far deeper trouble than you could ever imagine. Bad! Bad, Lusca!
Centaur July 22 – August 19:
I feel like you have been in a one-sided relationship for a while. You know as well as anyone that there is a fine line between constructive criticism and being a critical jerk. One clue: They tell you they love you as you are, but expect you to change. You cannot be everything to everyone. It may be time to let this one ride off.
Goatman August 20 – September 17:
You may be in luck this week, Chupa has lost their taste for you. You still annoy them, so there is that. Pushing your luck will get you nowhere. Their desire for goat meat is in their DNA. They will come back around to you again.
Frogman September 18 – October 16:
You know some people eat frog legs, right? Are you okay with that? I mean, are you just going to sit there and wait for those creeps to take a gander at your juicy gams? Surely, if there was ever a time to make an appearance, it would be around dinner time.
The Loch Ness Monster October 17 – November 7:
The sun will be coming out more often from the start to the end of April. The extreme light may force Nessie back into the cave for protection. This is probably a good idea since everyone has wanted a piece of you for months now.
Beast of Exmoor November 8 – December 6:
You have been craving a post to make your mark on. Your claws are itching to scratch, but no basic bottom-shelf scratching post will do. Always the fancy one, you would prefer a diamond-studded, plush carpeted one with shiny bangles and scrunchy balls hanging off it. Throw in a base wrapped with sisal and a few dangling feathers and your dream would be fulfilled.
Mermaid December 7 – December 31:
Swimming the currents and playing hide-and-seek with dolphins is always a blast. Be cautioned that the pod will be moving toward warmer waters in the coming weeks. You want to keep pace with them because Mercury retrograde may mess with your sense of direction.
Great Healer’s blessings upon you, loved ones. May your week be filled with all things good. May you seek peace and find it under, over, and inside everything. Most importantly, may your electronics consistently work this month.
Until next week, my friends!
Lady Bacon
