Dearest loyal readers,
I come bearing news, both bitter and sweet. It is with a heavy heart that I announce the sale of our beloved publication, The Reality Register, to the media giant CNN. The acquisition, rumored to have been for an undisclosed exorbitant amount of money, marks the end of an era for our team.
First and foremost, I want to express my gratitude to every member of our dedicated crew who has worked tirelessly over the past months to bring you the latest in unfiltered reality. Your passion and commitment have been the driving force behind our success, and I am immensely proud of each and every one of you.
However, with CNN’s acquisition comes significant changes. As they bring in their own team of journalists, I regret to inform you that all of our beloved writers will be let go, save for one exception. Andrew Crowe’s ghost, our esteemed colleague, has a contract that guarantees his employment with The Reality Register for at least 50 more years, regardless of ownership changes. I wish him all the best in his continued tenure with the publication.
As for myself, I am embarking on a new chapter of my life as I retire to fabulous Branson, Missouri. It is with mixed emotions that I bid farewell to the world of journalism, but I leave confident knowing that our publication is in the capable hands of new Editor-in-Chief, Don Lemon. While I have my doubts about the direction the site may take under his leadership, I trust that he will do his best to uphold the standards of integrity and truth that we have sought to maintain.
To our loyal readers, I extend my deepest thanks for your unwavering support. Your engagement and feedback have been invaluable to us, and it is with a heavy heart that I must admit that my life will now be significantly better than yours, finally freed from the shackles of wage enslavement. However, I assure you that I will miss the thrill of uncovering the bizarre and extraordinary truths that have become our trademark.
Before I sign off, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the contributions of the cryptids who have helped shape The Reality Register into what it is today. From sightings of Sasquatch to encounters with everyone’s favorite dog-man hybrid, Dogman, these elusive creatures have captured our imaginations and fueled our curiosity. Special thanks must go to Bogfoot, whose mysterious antics have kept our readers enthralled for countless articles.
In closing, I bid farewell to The Reality Register with a mixture of sadness and nostalgia. While I am uncertain about the future of the publication under new ownership, I am comforted by the knowledge that its legacy will live on for a while, albeit in a form that may be slightly less than adequate. Thank you once again for your support, and may the truth continue to find its way to you, no matter where your journey may lead.
Sincerely,
Stan Dirkson
P.S. April Fools
