COOPERSTOWN, NY – As many as twenty former Major League Baseball Players have been reported to the authorities as missing persons since the end of the 2023 season. The latest disappearance, Al Bumbry (OF – BAL/SD) was allegedly walking with former teammate Ed Wojna (P – SD) when Bumbry vanished.
According to Wojna, “There was this sound, a loud crack, like a ball hitting leather, and I could smell fresh-cut grass. When I turned around, Al was just gone.”
Despite law enforcement efforts, Bumbry remains missing, but Wojna’s eye-witness report gives some clues as to what might have happened.
As most baseball fans know, from time to time players die after their time in the majors. What happens after death remains a mystery to some, but a shocking number of players share a belief in a place called Ballhalla, a fabled place where developing players will be called up to finally get their shot at the big leagues.
Greg Martino, a Staten Island-based criminologist and baseball card collector, proposes that the disappearances have a common thread. “Each of these bums was worthless in the 1986 Topps set. They was all common players. Steve Lake (C – CHC), Jim Presley (2B – SEA), Paul Zuvella (SS – ATL), those guys stunk! Their cards weren’t worth a cent!”
Martino also claims that present day web-based searches for these players will not be a useful guide for predicting future disappearances. “You need to get an old Becketts, you can’t even find these guys on the PSA sites. These guys stink!”
When asked if he had any insight into the disappearance, Wojna was baffled. “I mean, all the meat and potato guys back in the day heard stories about how someday your number would be called. Someday you’d go to Ballhalla. The All-Stars, you know, they didn’t have to worry about that. Like Tony (Gwynn), he went to Heaven when he died. The rest of us have to go to [explicative] Ballhalla.”
Most current and former MLB players are hesitant to speak out about the vanished players from the 1985 season or the legend of Ballhalla. Utility infielder Mark Bellhorn (2B/3B – BOS), interviewed at a Zaxby’s near his home in Scottsdale, AZ, would only go on the record while chewing a Kickin Chicken Sandwich, claiming it gave him plausible deniability for his statements. “There are [unintelligible] guys who believe that if your career stats are around the Mendoza line or [unintelligible] three ERA, or something, [wipes mouth with sleeve] you get a chance to hit swamp donkeys in Ballhalla until the Final At Bat on [drinks Sprite]. I hit for .230 and won a ring, so go [explicative] yourself, Rick Manning (OF – MIL).”
Ronald Sampson
