THE VATICAN – In the latest effort to maintain relevance, the Catholic Church has officially declared the Fresno Nightcrawler a saint. Pope Francis has spent months analyzing video of the cryptid, and has sent cardinals across the globe verifying eye-witness reports of its purported miracles.
“This was a tough one at first, man.” Said Pope Francis in an official press conference on Thursday afternoon. “But, I watched hours of tapes of these things and, man, these dudes not only exist, but they are true miracle workers! I mean Christ, in the very first video featuring these things, they’re literally walking on water! How [EXPLETIVE DELETED] crazy is that?! At first I thought it was a road or some [EXPLETIVE DELETED] like that, but if you look closer, I mean like really close, you can see it’s a river these things are walking across. I was all like, ‘Yoooooo, these pants are walking on their own across [EXPLETIVE DELETED] water! What the hell is going on here?!!'”
News of the cryptids official sainthood comes on the heels of recent changes to the Vatican’s guidelines detailing its guidance on recognizing supernatural phenomena such as apparitions and aliens. The changes intended to allow for swifter church response to supposed supernatural activity posted online, has resulted in sweeping reports of strange happenings around the world and, in turn, hundreds of hours of clergy man-power viewing and verifying their validity.
“The pope has really taken to the new policy” said Cardinal Lorne Richards, the head of the Vatican’s cryptid investigation unit. “It turns out he loves watching evidence of strange happenings and discerning if they depict miracles. So far, he’s nominated 13 cryptids for sainthood. The confirmation of the Nightcrawler as a saint has only intensified his enthusiasm. It’s actually been difficult to coax him away from his computer lately.”
The Vatican has long warned the public of jumping to conclusions regarding purported miracles and claims of supernatural happenings, traditionally leaving the faithful to wait years for the church to investigate events, only to eventually forget their occurrence. But with the recent change to norms surrounding supernatural events, the Church has been much quicker to address them.
When asked at the press conference about the significance of the Fresno Nightcrawler’s worked miracles in relation to the Catholic Church and to the faithful, Pope Francis was brief, but direct. “Five words, brother, THEY. ARE. [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. WALKING. PANTS.” He then removed the microphone from the stand, stood up, cocked his head to the side, and dropped the microphone to the table with a deafening surge of interference.
Jessica Cortez-Hill
