The most engaging trial of this – or any – century has just concluded with a stunning guilty verdict. The Cryptid court, presided over by a grumpy kangaroo, erupted into a mix of astonishment and elation as the Greatest Cryptid of All Time was finally brought to justice on charges of Being Too Awesome, a crime that’s punishable by oversaturation on low effort meme pages, Youtube channels, and cryptid facebook groups.
Dogman, a half-man, half-canine beast known for his rich history and wide range of highly plausible sightings including incontrovertible photographic evidence, was brought to trial by an assembly of bizarre creatures. The audience was packed with cryptids, including Sasquatch, Nessie, Chessie, Champ, and the ever-elusive Mothman. The scene was nothing short of legendary, with all the cryptid VIPs in attendance, and a motley crew of unwashed cryptid enthusiasts.
The prosecution, led by some sort of crocodilian beast that seemed like it was straight out of an indie horror novel, made an airtight case that the terrifying canine really is too cool to be allowed to operate without sanction. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you incontrovertible evidence that Dogman is guilty of a crime so heinous, so mind-boggling, that it defies all logic: he is simply too awesome!” The prosecution then presented the below photo, and the verdict was sealed.
Chupacabra, the cryptid formerly known as Jorge, acted as Dogman’s defense attorney and bungled the defense with a series of missteps. Despite his best efforts, Chupacabra’s defense was no match for the prosecution’s theatrics, and he was unable to make the Michigan wolfman seem cringe in the least bit.
The kangaroo judge, who seemed to have some sort of personal ax to grind with Dogman, disallowed all evidence that Dogman is not actually that cool. This included expert testimony that Dogman was basically just a werewolf and barred testimony from Michigan radio DJ Steve Cook, who some say invented Dogman as some of Midwestern April Fool’s Day prank. Apparently, the people near the Great Lakes think this sort of thing is funny.
The jury, composed of a collection of third-rate cryptids such as the Jackalope, Fur-Bearing Trout, the Roperite, and a cloud marshmallow creature, among other unrecognizable, possibly mutated beings, didn’t take long to deliberate. They seemed star-struck by the raw charisma of the canid cryptid. After very little hemming or hawing, they returned with their verdict.
Guilty.
The foreman of the jury, which was some sort of sentient muskrat, shook with excitement as he read out the verdict. “We, the jury, find the defendant, Dogman, guilty as charged. Guilty of being too awesome!”
Gasps echoed through the courtroom as Dogman, ever the epitome of cool, simply shrugged and flashed his trademark grin. “I guess that’s just how the fur flies,” he quipped, causing a wave of laughter and applause from the gallery.
The strange, bitter kangaroo judge banged his gavel with a bemused smile. “Order, order! While this court finds Dogman guilty of being too awesome, the punishment must fit the crime. Therefore, I sentence Dogman to be featured in endless podcasts with implausible stories, blurry photographs and children’s cryptid books that all but ignore the actual great cryptids!”
Dogman is expected to live on in the hearts and minds of all cryptid enthusiasts forever and ever, amen. After all, in a world where being awesome is a crime, Dogman is the ultimate outlaw – and everyone loves him for it.
Lhana Lhak
