DETROIT, MI – Despite the rumors, the chatter, and the multiple mock drafts from A-list insiders over the past month, Devil’s Lake State College of Mining and Thaumatology’s blue chip offensive guard The Wendigo was not one of the thirty two players selected in the first round of last night’s NFL Draft. Mr. Wendigo was initially thought to be a late second or early third round pick after declaring for the draft, but his stock went through the roof this spring, leading many top draftnicks to suggest he would be selected during last night’s events, which were held at Hart Plaza in Detroit.
“It’s obviously a disappointment, but I know he’s got a great future as a pro. I was in the seats to cheer Wendigo on, so I couldn’t see what was happening backstage in the green room, but – well, maybe that was for the best,” recalled Mr. Wendigo’s former coach at Devil’s Lake State, Pru Houston.
In the final tally, eight offensive linemen were taken in the first round, the majority likely to find roles as tackles. The first O-lineman off the board was unsurprisingly Notre Dame’s Joe Alt, going fifth to the Chargers. The Dallas Cowboys, thought to be a strong contender for Mr. Wendigo, traded back from the twentieth pick with the Pittsburgh Steelers, who selected Washington offensive lineman Troy Fautanu. Dallas traded back again, this time with Detroit, and did take O-line help – but not Mr. Wendigo – selecting Tyler Guyton from Oklahoma with the twenty-ninth pick.
By all accounts, Mr. Wendigo (looking striking in a baby blue double breasted Tom Ford suit) waited patiently in the green room until the Carolina Panthers, in a three team trade, made the final selection of the night, wide receiver Xavier Legette, after which he grew visibly frustrated and eventually violent. Mr. Wendigo allegedly overtuned two catering tables, tackled a security guard, brutally wrecked an oversized Rich Eisen robot, tackled a horse, hypnotized NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, and then escaped into downtown Detroit in the early hours of Friday morning.
Eyewitnesses saw Mr. Wendigo run eastbound along Interstate 94, towards the Canadian border crossing on the Blue Water Bridge. He left a slew of damaged vehicles in his wake, but thankfully, no serious injuries. At 2:02 in the morning, Mr. Wendigo was turned away at the border checkpoint for failure to present a valid passport. After tackling a RCMP horse, he took to his feet again, running north on Route 25.
“You could see that pure speed that scouts were crapping their pants over at the Combine on display when he was tearing it up 94,” said draft guru LeRoy McMichael. “And I’m damn sure more than one GM kicked himself for not picking the kid up when they watched him juke that RAV-4 just outside of Grosse Pointe. The boy’s got that dawg in him.”
Mr. Wendigo was last seen near a Dollar General in Lexington, MI, diving into Lake Huron. He is thought to now be in Canada, which many consider his ancestral home. It is yet to be seen how the events of last night will affect The Wendigo’s NFL draft stock.
Mr. Goodell remains hospitalized at DMC Sinai Grace. At last reporting, he claims to be Rémy LeGant, an 18th century trapper from Île d’Orléans, Québec. If his memory is not recovered by 6c tonight, M. LeGant is prepared to officiate the draft festivities in French and English.
The second round of the NFL Draft is tonight on ESPN and NFL Network.
David Lavender
