From royal scandals to psychic showdowns, this week’s gossip is wilder than ever. Get ready for a rollercoaster of rumors that will leave you questioning everything you thought you knew about your favorite public figures.
Royal Carnivore Craze
Across the pond, an ailing royal princess has finally listened to reason and decided to treat her cancer in the only sensible way: the carnivore diet! While she’s been seen gorging on beef, butter, bacon, and eggs, it seems that the palace kitchens have been cooking up a special treat for her: human flesh! We all suspected it was happening, but our inside sources report that due to the high influx of untrackable migrants, it’s been a simple matter to source long pork for the cannibalistic tendencies of our betters. It can’t be any worse than an Impossible burger!
Psychic Showdown
What the heck is going on in the psychic community!? Everything seemed to be going fine for the resident astrologer at an august house of journalism, but apparently a wannabe stalker has got his sights set on some sort of psionic showdown. Does he want to kill her or kiss her? They might have seen this coming, but I sure didn’t, so why don’t you two settle down and then settle up like civilized folk: by making passive aggressive jabs in increasingly unhinged publications!
Cryptid Crackdown
America’s second favorite big hairy cryptid hasn’t been seen much recently after some high-profile sightings in Boise. Apparently, the tribal elders have been embarrassed by the behavior of some of their kind and have put a stop to the recent coming out parties. A little birdie tells us that a little social media, delivered through VR headsets, has gone to some of the youngsters’ heads, and they’re all going on a dopamine fast starting… NOW! Hey, maybe I should try that, I’ve been stuck in my phone for the last decade!
Romantic Retribution
Political convictions are so hot right now! After the Orange Guy caught the gavel, and the Little Guy from Delaware got his slap on the wrist, judges across the country are looking to settle some scores with their ideological opponents. One judge in a red state says he’s planning on finding some flimsy charges to catch the eyes of a fiery Latina in NYC and wants to sentence her to a date! Listen, I’m all for using whatever means necessary to attack your enemies, but just sign up for Match.com already!
Franchise Flop
Finally, some sad news. A beloved science fiction franchise has been floundering for decades now, with terrible movie after terrible movie and artless TV shows sullying a once spotless reputation. However, with the latest installment, it’s safe to say that its peak was a long time ago and any bright future is far, far away. You just can’t let a Mouse pilot a starship!
That’s all for this week’s Reality Rumors. Stay tuned for more shocking revelations and scandalous secrets next time. Until then, keep your eyes peeled and your ears open – you never know what juicy tidbit might come your way!
The Secret Sleuth
