¡Hola, mi amigos! Change is in the air, and while it might be painful, it’s essential in order to grow. I’m Pstephen Cromwell, and this week I’m filling in for Lady Bacon, who had a feminine emergency of some sort, and sometimes you need a man to do a psychic’s job. A manly psychic, the kind who knows how to cut through the B.S., and tell the people the truth, whether they want it or not.
Venus is occluded by Mars, and Cromwell is ascending! The humanoid cryptids are feeling creepy this week, and the animal ones should trust their instincts. Find your sign and plan your life based on my advice!
The Grey January 1 – January 29:
You’re a lot stronger than you look, and people had better start appreciating you, or they’re going to regret it. Don’t act too soon, but wait for the right moment when you have the advantage over a weaker party. The future belongs to the ruthless.
Etsai January 30 – February 27:
We’re entering a New Moon, so now is a great time to suppress your emotions and bury them once and for all while the lunar cycle allows. Keep a stiff upper lip and look out for number one: you.
Doppelgänger February 28 – March 27:
Inside of you there are two wolves: one wants to mate, and the other wants to fight. You’ve got to feed them both if you want to make it in this messed up world. Don’t forget that survival comes first, and you can be happy later. Ultimately, you need to make your Shewolf understand that you’re the only one who can make her safe.
Sandwalker March 28 – April 25:
In a harsh winter, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives. Crabs, on the other hand, will drag each other down and prevent each other from crawling out of the social bucket. Keep to yourself and tear the claws off that are tearing you down.
Sasquatch April 26 – May 24:
It’s easy to be lazy, so take a load off this week. Your life could end at any time, but it probably won’t happen in the next 7 days, so you’re safe to just coast through this one. If you must act, make sure you do as little as possible.
Chupacabra May 25 – June 22:
You’ve always considered yourself the GOAT, but maybe you need to drink some blood before you can really lay claim to that title. Remember, if you come at the king, you best not miss.
Lusca June 23 – July 21:
You’re not paranoid, they really are all against you. The best defense is a good offense, so make sure you strike hard, strike first, and show no mercy. If your allies catch some friendly fire, well they probably deserved it anyway.
Centaur July 22 – August 19:
You are a workhorse, and you are a warrior, and you were born in the wrong time but nobody seems to understand you. If she knew about the love in your heart, surely shewould appreciate you. Show her just how virile a Centaur can be!
Goatman August 20 – September 17:
Look out for the Chupacabras, unless you’re into that sort of thing. Go ahead and eat the poison ivy that everyone else avoids – you’re the only one who can do it. Eat the nails, eat the trash, consume the castoffs that will sicken the weak, and nourish yourself on poisons that would kill a weaker creature.
Frogman September 18 – October 16:
You are nothing and you are nobody! A frog? A FROG!?! You must have been exposed to too much atrazine, pal, because I don’t like the way you are playing gatekeeper. Open the gate, Jake, invite me to the July 4th BBQ, you’ll see I’m twice the psychic that she is, and 3 times the lover!
The Loch Ness Monster October 17 – November 7:
Stay in Scotland, Nessie, and give up the bagpipes. No one likes them, and you’re no good at them anyway. Focus on doing something productive, and leave the music making to others.
Beast of Exmoor November 8 – December 6:
You know, I can’t believe that Lady Bacon didn’t call this one Dogman. Dogman is awesome, and the Beast of Exmoor isn’t really well known outside of England, and those people all sound like wimpy butlers. Reevaluate your identity this month, you might be a cat, but you should’ve been a dog.
Mermaid December 7 – December 31:
A lot of people think that early mermaid sightings were actually manatees or other marine mammals, which means that the whole idea of a slim, sexy mermaid is historically inaccurate. Just keep eating, and you’ll surely achieve that perfect layer of blubber to insulate you from the cold world, and then you’ll be historically accurate!
My sources in the Asstral Plane tell me that there’s a stick that they want removed ASAP. Remember that your opinion stinks and everyone has got one, so keep it to yourself!
Good luck, people!
Pstephen “Pancakes” Cromwell
I can’t believe you all would let this maniac take over Lady Bacon’s column. How could you!