CHICOPEE, Massachusetts — Internationally renowned ghost hunters Dale and Beatrice Bosom, former stars of TLC’s “Spend A Night In My Haunted…”, held a charity séance and ghost hunting expedition last weekend at the famous Pioneer Valley ‘Route 33’ Adult Bookstore in Chicopee, Massachusetts. It was a star studded event, with all of the local Pioneer Valley luminaries on hand, including Aaron Lewis from Staind, and the manager for Staind.
“This was definitely one of the most intense ghost hunts we’ve ever done,” recalled Dale Bosom. “There is such an incredible history of hauntings in the Pioneer Valley, and then to be at an adult bookstore so close to the Mass Pike and a municipal airport— we felt really honored to be invited. I wish the owners had let the customers know there was gonna be a ghost hunt, though. Bumping into some of those guys back in the stacks of magazines was the scariest part. They were really pale and shy!”
After breaking out an assortment of equipment including electromagnetic frequency meters, analogue tape recorders, and a flashlight with a battery that was a little bit loose, the ghost hunters went to work. Dale and his assistants investigated the racks of magazines, DVDs, edible underwear, and personal lubricants. They even explored behind the beaded curtain, where they found more magazines and a dried, ghostly residue that Dale took for review back at Bosom Basecamp.
While Dale was checking to see if a VHS copy of “Night Shift Nurses 7” was haunted, the action was really heating up by the checkout counter. Beatrice and the VIPs from Staind were conducting a séance and reaching out to contact entities from beyond the great divide.
After what has been reported as uncomfortable handholding and difficulty looking each other in the eye, a shuffling sound from the “Fun Packs” of adult magazines announced the arrival of the first visitor from beyond. “My boy Aaron doesn’t get scared much,” recalled Staind manager Joey Bagadonuts, “and I gotta admit I was mostly focused on that ghost hunter lady’s sweet cans, but next thing I know, he’s white as a you-know-what. A [explicative] g-o-s-t![sic] And then he starts talkin’, and he’s sayin’ stuff that no mortal has any right to know!“
Aaron’s voice got all low and weird, and then he had me grab a Fun Pack off the rack, all sealed up, just pick one at random, and he told me what the middle magazine was…he…knew. It was a Swank! Pretty good score for a Fun Pack, I was expecting, like, a huntin’ magazine or something. Usually they cram any old junk in there. Or sometimes you get Plumpers, which I’m good with, but isn’t everyone’s taste, you know? A Swank is a home run, though… I would’ve been good with a Oui, maybe a Genesis. What was we talking about?”
The spirit that possessed Mr. Lewis seemed to vanish as quickly as he came, with the Staind frontman looking sleepy as the climax passed. The “It’s Been A While” singer made a quick donation and made his way to his car.
The charity event raised over seven hundred dollars to put new blackout film on the front windows of the Pioneer Valley ‘Route 33’ Adult Bookstore, and neighbors say they will be happy when they can’t see all the dildoes as well.
Ronald Sampson
