THE AFTERLIFE – James Earl Jones, the baritone titan of stage and screen, has left this mortal coil today at the tender age of 93, after a grueling battle with his greatest nemesis—being alive. While his legacy looms large, we at The Reality Register have received a hot tip from the afterlife, and you better believe we’ve got the exclusive scoop on where he’s spending eternity.
As many know, Jones’ illustrious career was defined by iconic roles such as Thulsa Doom in the obscure 1982 cult hit “Conan the Barbarian.” Oh sure, some might mention his voicing of Mufasa in The Lion King or Darth Vader in Star Wars, but let’s be real, those performances pale in comparison to the glory of his time spent in Hyboria. His voice also graced episodes of The Simpsons (R.I.P. Bleeding Gums Murphy) and narrated 19 episodes of 3rd Rock from the Sun—a performance that won him exactly zero awards but deserves all of them.
But let’s cut to the chase: The man’s life has been a veritable Shakespearean odyssey, rising from humble beginnings, conquering a stutter, and becoming the voice of everything. You’d think that kind of CV would guarantee him a golden escalator ride to Heaven. However, a certain incident left the celestial gatekeepers torn—would James be welcomed to the land of eternal harp music, or would his soul plummet into the fiery abyss?
What incident, you ask? Well, in an interview years ago, James might have slightly badmouthed his grandmother, and folks upstairs take that sort of thing pretty seriously. It was unclear whether calling his family’s matriarch a racist would put his entrance to Heaven in jeopardy. We consulted our resident medium, Lady Bacon (no relation to Kevin), who pulled some strings in the astral plane to get the lowdown.
According to Lady Bacon, the debate was fierce. On one hand, Jones was a devout Catholic who recorded a King James Bible audio version that probably put a few more souls in a state of grace. On the other hand, well… Grandma Jones deserved better, didn’t she?
Ultimately, the scales tipped in his favor. Jones was fast-tracked to Heaven, where he was immediately put to work reading bedtime stories to the souls of the hundreds of thousands of children sent to the Pearly Gates by Planned Parenthood each year. Heaven’s daycare system has never had it so good. It seems his legendary voice will continue soothing the masses, even in the afterlife.
But his departure leaves Earth at a perilous crossroads. With Jones now narrating for the cherubs, Morgan Freeman has been placed under 24-hour protection, as his sudden demise would lead to a world without gravitas. And as for Idris Elba? Well, sources close to the situation confirm that he has been informed he is absolutely not in Jones’ league as a narrator or as a man, and that everyone wishes that he could trade places with Jones.
So there you have it, folks. James Earl Jones has ascended, and Heaven’s bedtime routine has never sounded smoother.
The Secret Sleuth
