COLD SHOULDER: Cryptid Expert Weighs In On Yeti’s Loss In Popularity

_{The following article is a paid promotion for squatchmerch.com}

Even the stoic and sober world of cryptozoology is swayed by popular trends. While most cryptoscientists try to keep their focus on mundane tasks like collecting hair and stool samples in the jungle or irradiating alien parasites, the fact remains that all of these tasks require funding, and that funding comes from one source: selling merch. So whenever you see a sasquatch standee in someone’s yard or a Nessie t-shirt on a child, remember that those merch sales went to fund the enslavement and experimentation of an exotic creature. Merch is the lifeblood of the cryptozoology industry.

Cryptids, the loveable (or fearsome) creatures studied by cryptozoologists, are not all equally popular, however. The sasquatch, or Bigfoot, has maintained a high level of steady popularity since the Patterson-Gimlin film in 1967. Bigfoot has enjoyed some slight peaks in popularity in the 1980’s and 1990’s (coinciding with the popularity of the eponymous monster truck and Harry and the Hendersons film), but no periods of real popular decline.

Conversely, French cryptozoologists spent countless advertising campaigns trying to popularize Gaspar, the Gross, Naked Goose of Provence (L’oie de Provence dégoûtante et sans plumes), to little effect. Neither local nor international audiences were interested in purchasing 100% cotton t-shirts or insulated travel mugs featuring the likeness of the overly large, featherless goose characterized by his many oozing sores and disturbingly human-like anatomy. In the end, French scientists killed and ate him, unable to afford the torturous and expensive experimentation that life as a cryptid necessitates.

Abominable Sales Quarter

Perhaps more difficult to understand, some cryptids manage years of sustained popularity only to have their stars fade. This is what researchers believe has happened to the yeti over recent seasons. Also known as the Abominable Snowman, the yeti is a bipedal primate that is a close cousin to the North American sasquatch, living in high altitudes in the Himalayas. Much like a Siberian tiger or arctic fox, the yeti’s white coat and long, thick fur gives it a tremendous advantage in marketing situations. For years, yeti was one of the most marketable and highest grossing cryptids – particularly during cold weather months, where its name and likeness would appear on everything from wool socks to long underwear. Suddenly, and despite the hustle and grit of squachmerch.com’s sales assassins, yeti merchandise stopped selling the way it used to.

“The youth market is really the driver of cryptid merch sales on platforms like squatchmerch.com,” reports cryptozoology marketing expert and regular contributor to Barron’s, Ralf Freesteaks. “Parents might be the ones actually swiping the credit card, but it’s kids that are choosing their favorite cryptid to go on their $22.99 snapback hat or $12.99 iPhone 14-compatible case or $79.99 Outdoor-Tough backpack. So when we see a lot of Dogman merch moving off the shelves, you know it’s driven by what’s going on with the young people online and in the mills where they work. Maybe Dogman posted a new dick pic, who knows? I’m not on TikTok.”

Mr Freesteaks explains that the yeti’s popularity, once considered untouchable, has been waning for multiple quarters, to the point where only, “wine moms and men who make fishing their lifestyle brand,” really want to associate themselves with the furry cryptids, and they have been virtually abandoned by the youth market. “It’s a curious phenomenon for sure, but one we’ve seen before. There was the cryptid that would sing all the Boys II Men songs outside people’s windows at night. Very popular for several years, then it dropped off the sales charts. So it happens. Now all the youths want Stanley cryptid merch, and nobody wants to be seen with something with a Yeti on it. Unless they’re too drunk to meet the kids at the school bus and smell like trout. I’m not really sure what that Stanley creature is, but it’s cute enough. Some kind of bear?”

The Reality Register and its publishing partners may collect a share of sales and/or other compensation from the links on this page. Squatchmerch.com is not affiliated with The Reality Register and they swore up and down they aren’t a pyramid scheme. They don’t even know what those are .

Ronald Sampson