Roundball Season Starts Off With A Smooch
It’s that time of the year again, the terrible magic hour when we get visited by the Ghost of NBA Future: the zebras shaving points for the sharps, the Lakers looking gassed in the playoffs, and periodic reminders that James Dolan is at least as bad a musician as he is an owner. Well, you don’t have to anticipate it any longer! My medication has been FUBAR lately, so I missed nine texts from my editors and I guess the season started last week. Oh well, here’s four tales of the NBA. Hoops.
NEW YORK KNICKS at BOSTON CELTICS
In the season opener, the defending champ Boston Celtics took on YOUR New York Knicks at home and blew the doors off of them, 132-109. I guess I had three grand on the Knicks +185, but I missed some calls from my guy, too, so I need to see what’s in the kitty, p.d.q. They got me on this thing that’s like a candy cane where one stripe is Lipitor and the other is Dilaudid. I need a new doctor. If anyone has a recommendation for a doc that takes French Foreign Legion coupons de mal and has a very heavy pour, my email’s at the bottom of the article.
Anyways, Celtics coach Joe Mazzulla kissed the famous parquet court after the championship ring ceremony. Mazzulla was asked in the postgame about licking floor, and he said he was hoping to trick (Celtics legend) Bob Cousy into kissing it with him by pretending it was a pretty lady all hot and bothered for a smooch and an autograph. When asked what the floor tasted like, Mazzulla answered, “Mostly sneakers…” followed by a slow, ecstatic shudder.
GORILLA CHILLER
The Phoenix Suns’ Gorilla is widely accepted as the greatest mascot in the NBA, if not all of sports. He’s a guy in a gorilla suit who can dunk. That’s basically it; it’s funny. It’s not like there’s a lot of competition, though: NBA mascots almost universally stink. A dumb dinosaur in Toronto, a drunken Irishman in Boston, a family with dysentery in Portland – none of them are as good as a guy in a gorilla suit.
Rumor has it that Go the Gorilla’s act is going to be changing up big this season, though, possibly to line up with the start of the NBA Cup Tournament. The Suns are partnering with Caesar’s Palace Casino and re-branding the monkey as Caesar. Insiders say he’s going to ride around the court on horseback firing a rifle off at fans in the stands and attempting to take as many prisoners as possible during halftime.
Caesar’s has the over/under for night one at eight and a half captives. Anything to distract from all the money they spent for Kevin Durant, I guess.
GOAT SE ASON
Speaking of the In-Season Tournament, NBA brass thought it was a success last year, so the colorful courts and extra gambling opportunities are coming back. The NBA Cup starts on November 12 and has teams playing against each other to earn points for something that has nothing at all to do with the rest of the basketball season. Why? Because the NBA has partnerships with online betting sites, and this is another way for overseas bot farms to take money from squares. Scott Foster would be licking his chops with all the calls coming in from wiseguys right about now.
Anyways, to remind you to gamble, they paint up the courts bright colors while the Tournament is on. Last year they had a distracting stripe down the middle of the hardwood, but my grandson told me that this year they’re doing an homage to an old internet meme about a guy who stretches his anus out as big as a can of Chicken of the Sea. So there’s that.
CLOSE NEGOTIATIONS OF THE $76 BILLION KIND
Finally, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver spoke this week about the 11-year deal made over the summer that will give NBA broadcast rights to Disney, NBC Universal, and Amazon, pushing out longtime broadcast partner Warner Bros. Discovery. The idea of watching NBA games on a shopping site or a streaming service for Star Wars losers seems like it will effectively kill the sport for senior citizens like me, but my grandson told me that I won’t need to order more jock itch cream from Bezos just to watch Pacers games.
The fun doesn’t stop, however. Silver made more news yesterday in an off the record with The Reality Register. Often mistaken for an extraterrestrial himself due to his large, bald head and spindly limbs, the Commissioner phones home on that connection with an announcement that starting in 2025, Indiana Pacers games (and only Pacers games) will be broadcast on the AndroMedan/MeTV network via a series of five synthesizer tones and flashing lights. So I’ll have to figure out what Tyrese Haliburton is doing in do-re-mi-la-di-doo.
Those were four tales of the NBA. If anyone’s seen my keys can you email me? [email protected] I get it on my cell phone.
David Lavender
