CHAMPAIGN, Illinois – With his unique combination of pragmatic conservatism and erudite dourness, George F. Will has long ago secured his resting place in the lineage of American thinkers and wordsmiths. This week, Mr Will reached another monument: fifty years as a columnist at the Washington Post.
To commemorate this odds-defying achievement, Mr Will returned to the Land of Lincoln and his hometown of Champaign, Illinois, where he exhumed the body of his mother, Louise Hendrickson Will, who passed away in 2006.
“There’s a tradition in the American literary canon–” Will tediously explained, “particularly when you’re interpreting characters like Mark Twain, Will Rodgers, or Nicholas Sparks – of digging up their ancestors and re-framing them in a way that is meaningful to future generations.” Mr Will took off a vintage pair of leather gloves and laid them on his writing desk, looking for a pen given to him by William F. Buckley. “So in that tradition, I exhumed the body of my dear mother and re-buried her in Right Field at Wrigley.”
In addition to being a taciturn chronicler of the subtle shrug towards American mediocrity, George Will is also famously a Cubs fan, and published a book about Wrigley Field in 2014. In choosing Right Field at Wrigley to be Mrs. Hendrickson Will’s second timeless tumulus, Will sought to combine two of his great passions.
“She’s right under that sacred ground where Sammy Sosa played.” Mr Will’s face lit up, then soured. “He was a much better fielder than many people give him credit for, at least before he devoted his entire game to chasing prosaic home runs. Still, I probably should have carried her all the way over to Left – far more Cubs greats played in Left – but I was very tired at that point, and still had a lot of digging to do.”
The wide world of journalism has come out in support of George Will this week. National Review Senior Writer Dan McLaughlin, writing on X, congratulated Mr Will for his incredible milestone, “Cannot express how proud I am of @georgewill. Marvelous achievement. I tried to bury my uncle under home plate at Shea Stadium in ‘92. PD stopped me immediately. Truly one of the greats, George!” The official X account for hip-hop legends The Gravediggaz also gave a shout-out, “The OG @georgewill making sense today talking about trade policy! #Gravediggaz #repp ties”.
The Pulitzer Prize Board has shortlisted one of George Will’s columns for this year’s award, entitled “I Tried Wearing A Pair Of Braided Leather Pants Like Hercules And I Didn’t Like Them”. If selected, this would be his second Pulitzer Prize.
Ronald Sampson
