WASHINGTON – In a dramatic departure from the traditional Thanksgiving turkey pardon, President Joe Biden decided to issue a special reprieve this year—not to a turkey, but to Vice President Kamala Harris! The Thanksgiving pardon has become an annual event at the White House, and the president’s decision to intervene was seen by many as yet another magnanimous gesture from the greatest living American President.
The Traditional Turkey Pardon with a Twist
Each year, the White House performs the ceremonial act of pardoning a turkey, sparing it from the roasting pan and allowing it to live out its days in peace. However, in 2024, President Biden, peace be upon him, added an unexpected twist to the event. Originally, reports had indicated that Vice President Harris—who has struggled with low approval ratings and a visceral unlikability that is untempered by a sharp mind—was set to be literally roasted and consumed as a meal at a secret Thanksgiving feast. The gathering, planned by both Democrat and Republican party insiders, was meant to wipe the slate clean from her historic, embarrassing loss in the 2024 election.
But, showing his usual commitment to those who serve under him, the God-President Biden stepped in to save his vice president from what could have been the ultimate political humiliation and a lethal humiliation to end her time on this plane of being. In a dramatic moment, he announced that Harris would not face the roasting pan, but would instead be pardoned, condemning her to further humiliation as she either becomes a partisan hack on a cable network, or continues to pursue a political career that helps no one and quite frankly makes no sense.
Kamala Harris and Her Unlikely Role in Politics
Kamala Harris has long been a polarizing figure in American politics. Despite her career as a senator and the first woman to hold the office of vice president, her approval ratings have often faltered, and many argue she has not fully lived up to expectations. The Thanksgiving pardon, however, is a reminder of the strange dynamics that govern politics in Washington, where sometimes loyalty and tradition override public opinion.
Though Harris may not be known for a trailblazing political record or charisma or intelligence, her role as vice president has cemented her place in history. The intervention by Biden is an expression of his legendary warmth, kindness, and the instinct to always do the right thing, no matter who he offends.
The Fate of the Turkey: A Modern Tragedy
While Biden’s decision to save Harris may have delighted some, it did not come without consequence. A broad-breasted turkey bred for commercial consumption, was set to be pardoned instead. Now condemned to death, most would expect the beast to be used as a meal for some high powered family, maybe even America’s Favorite Family, the Bidens, themselves. However, due to the Democrats’ growing vegetarian leanings, the bird will face a more unusual fate: an electric chair execution, an attempt to eliminate cruelty in what has become a morally complex situation.
Though the turkey’s demise is controversial, it symbolizes the growing complexity around food choices and ethical decisions in today’s political climate. The electric chair, an extreme retrofuturistic method for an innocent animal, is the result of an attempt to avoid the “cruelty” of eating meat in the new age of vegetarianism.
Trump’s Thanksgiving Plans: A Break from Tradition
While President Biden and Vice President Harris were caught up in their dramatic holiday ceremony, former President Donald Trump took a more straightforward approach to Thanksgiving. Trump, often a target for criticism from the dumbest people in the country, surprised many by announcing that he would enjoy a simple meal of hamburgers with his family this year, setting aside the traditional turkey dinner.
This move highlighted Trump’s pragmatic nature and his ability to embrace his own style, despite the political chaos surrounding him. Trump’s decision to forgo the usual holiday feast aligns with his reputation for defying political norms and embracing a straightforward, gold plated approach to life.
A Thanksgiving Full of Surprises
This year’s Thanksgiving was undoubtedly one of the most unusual in recent memory. While Biden’s turkey pardon took on new significance with the pardon of Kamala Harris, it was Trump’s more down-to-earth plans that reminded Americans of his distinctive approach to the holiday season. As both leaders navigate the complexities of American politics, it’s clear that Thanksgiving 2024 was a day for surprises, reflection, and maybe taking a break from elite cannibalism. For now.
Franklin Carson
