There’s only a few weeks until Christmas but don’t panic! These 11 ultimate stocking stuffers are guaranteed to please even the assholes in your life! The Reality Register and its shadowy corporate overlords may collect a share of royalties from the links on this page.
1. Souvenirs from the Bermuda Triangle are so 2023, so get that lover of mysterious places in your life the ultimate stocking stuffer from the Bridgewater Triangle instead! These vintage threads come straight from the Hockomock Swamp. Did the Dover Demon wear them? Probably!
Promising Review: “At first it was weird how wet everything was when it arrived, but I realized that meant that the hoodie was pre-shrunk so I could just throw it in the dryer and not have to worry about it. I think that’s deer blood. I hope.”–Stephen M. US
2. I don’t know about you, but after a half dozen vodka sodas, all I can think about is Stonehenge! This Druid-approved personal massager gives a mega-lift to my intimate explorations. I definitely give it a workout on more than just the Solstice!
Promising Review: “I’ve tried an Easter Island Moai vibe and one that was shaped like Angkor Wat, but my mom gave me Sit-on Stonehenge and it just reminds me of British people much more.”–Melody M. CAN
3. If there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that people love loot boxes and people love pills! Give that hard-to-buy-for person in your life the ultimate stocking stuffer with a box full of leftover medication! Some might be expired, but pills don’t go bad. They aren’t milk, dummy! No mints this year, we promise!
Promising Review: “I lost my pills. Where are my pills?“–Mom Voice US
4. So many of my friends swear by this amazing Jim Morrison AI Hologram to keep them company on those long, lonely winter nights! I know I would feel so secure if I heard a late-period Lizard King mumbling to himself while I bathed or got dressed. Nobody will bust you on obscenity charges in my apartment, Jim!
Promising Review: “I’m a huge Doors fan and jumped right on this when it was announced. I guess I was hoping you could select what era Jim the hologram represents, like that fresh-faced poet from the sixties. But it’s just LA Woman Jim. He cries a lot.”–Marlena US
5. Check out the incredible deep discounts on these yeti-themed t-shirts! Up to 90% off! Baby Yeti is sooo cute and look at what a baddie Abdominal Snowman is! I’d put him on my body pillow and hump him until my dry cleaner can afford a new Lexus! I feel chafed already!
Promising Review: “I really wanted a Dogman t-shirt and my wife thinks moths are cool, I think, I don’t know what she’s into, but I was going to get her a Mothman t-shirt. But these were so cheap I basically just paid the shipping. Oh well. I’m gonna see if I can wake my wife up from her wine nap and then go fishing.”–Bob N. US
6. Can you imagine how much of a girlboss you would feel like if you came home and then walked up your very own Spiral Stairs? Same, Martha, same. They can’t be harder than putting together something from Ikea, right? They’re stairs!
Promising Review: “I used glue when I ran out of the nails it came with, but it’s mostly so I can get my Instapot off the top of the china cabinet. I fucking love stairs.”–Scott K. US
7. This is so wild. Do you remember the Lenta Viri, that bronze submarine from the 1890’s that was recovered a few years ago? Well, they’re selling the actual glassware from the on board bar, the Juggernaut Pub! Wowie zowie! Hi-balls, low-balls, absinthe glasses, you name it! Perfect for a Manhattan or a watery domestic. Very limited quantities and going fast!
Promising Review: “I used to quench my thirst in the Juggernaut, often seated next to a phlegmatic man of unusual countenance. We drank from these fine glasses. One day I asked his tale, but he just wanted to go into the men’s room and get soft and handsy. There is no law under the waves, so to the men’s room I journeyed.”–Ned L. CAN
8. I know I love a man with a motorcycle, but some of these busters only pretend to ride. Ladies, you know what I mean! That hog spends more time in the garage covered in hip hop magazines and golf clubs than out on the roads! If this sounds like someone you know, get him a Ramp of Death and let’s see what he’s really made of!
Promising Review: “My girlfriend bought me a ramp of death for my birthday and set it up in the driveway so all the neighborhood kids could see me do my BMX tricks. Yeah. I definitely have a girlfriend.”–Mark I. US
9. Oh my gosh, this is so pretty! Nothing says boom like a flash of light from the Tunguska Event in 1908 captured for eternity in 100% crystal. Wear it with the included sterling silver chain or just use it to brighten the corners in your apartment. How did the light get in there? Well, let’s just say I know a guy who knows a guy who says it’s definitely not from AliExpress. Nope, not this ultimate stocking stuffer.
Promising Review: “I get so many compliments on this necklace when I wear it out, and if my phone battery dies I can use it as a flashlight! I guess when it gets quiet, sometimes you can hear the souls of dead Siberians screaming as they burn. And it goes so well with literally everything I wear!“–Cara B. US
10. Sometimes when you’re sitting around the apartment, life just gets sooo boring, amirite ladies? You cut your hair and look out your window at Shady Lane Cemetery and can’t stop thinking about your life. Is this just me? It’s like, when the days get short like this and it’s cold out, all those thoughts you can push aside the rest of the year are just screaming in your head. They won’t stop! Make them stop! I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying. I don’t even have a real job, I write listicles for Squatchmerch. My boyfriend doesn’t even have a motorcycle. I just want it to end. But when I feel like this, I look at my piece of Petrified Dogman Poop and think, wow, that was surprisingly affordable!
Promising Review: “It’s crazy that petrified Dogman poop is so cheap. If you look at other petrified animal scat, and I’m not talking about mythical creatures like Dogman, it’s going for thousands of Dollars! I bought petrified Dogman poop for $24.99. He must’ve shit a lot!“–Steve W. US
11. I’m so sorry for that last review, besties! I was really feeling low, but that’s no excuse! Luckily, I had a chunk of Thelema Pavement to hold and center myself. It really works! This pavement was pulled up from the road in front of a cottage in Hebron, New Hampshire where occult superstar Aleister Crowley took a few magickal vacations! I don’t know if it was his dark rituals or the magick of the New Hampshire DOT, but these rocks have some freaky energy, bet! Limited quantities and when they’re gone, they’re gone.
Promising Review: “By the aid of Dionysos, I take these bitumens and macadam into my home. Thoughts are false. Impressions are false. Satan, too, demands stockings be stuffed, and in the manner in which He chooses.”–Ronald S. US
Get those last minute gifts at Squatchmerch!
