Miskatonic, Mass – Controversy has been raging over the past year in the tightly knit endocrinology community over the existence of the so-called “Human Growth Hormone”, a mercurial molecule believed by many to give humans the ability to grow to giant-like proportions nearly at will. Many experts, however, remain unconvinced.
“If there really was this growth hormone,” said Miskatonic Nursing College anatomy professor Dr. Roof Sinatra, “there would be almost unquestionable evidence of its existence. Look at all the other basic bodily functions that humans have control over: poopin’, peein’, sweatin’, dancin’…all that junk.”
A new study authored by Miskatonic College in partnership with the Andre The Giant Foundation explores the question of whether there is a Human Growth Hormone or not, and if so – can humans use it to grow at will. The findings – to be published later this summer in the New England Chronicle Of Science – are not entirely conclusive, but Dr. Sinatra shared some of his take-aways with The Reality Register.
“Well, for onesies, out of a hundred peeps we put through ‘The Eliminator’ [a ZZ Top-themed obstacle course in Ipswich, Massachusetts, near the Miskatonic College campus], only one of them showed any real sign of growth at the end, and that was just a lady who gained some weight.” This test subject, a 58-year old woman from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, was later determined to have flagrantly cheated on the obstacle course, commandeering a pink 1940’s hot rod to bypass eleven stages of physical events. She was later found dead, an apparent victim of one of the several competing gangs of shambling eldritch horrors that stalk the Miskatonic Nursing College campus and the nearby Miskatonic Galleria.
Dr. Sinatra continued, while smoking his second unfiltered Camel, “Twosies, after those guys tried to grow and stuff I went looking for the HGH with my microscope AND my stethoscope and know what I found? Nothing. And I’m a doctor.” The “doctor” then demonstrated his akimbo microscope/stethoscope technique, pointing them at this reporter’s head one after the other, while ZZ Top’s “Cheap Sunglasses” played from his phone. Apparently, he did not find any evidence of the elusive hormone.
To get an opinion on the other side of this controversial topic, I reached out to Dr. Anita Salmana, professor of Endocrinology at Harvard Medical School. Surprisingly, Dr. Salmana had not heard of the controversy or the soon-to-be-published study. “This is a real university? Are you sure about that? Oh, it’s a nursing college. Well, I can’t really understand what the study would be about. The Human Growth Hormone is very well understood, but it certainly does not let people get bigger or smaller via the power of the mind. That sounds like science fiction to me. Dr. Roof Sinatra? Is this made up? That sounds like a fake name. Am I on a Tik Tok video or something?”
As it appears, the controversy surrounding Human Growth Hormone remains very much alive and well (our thoughts and prayers go out to the family of Tina-Ann Platt of Murfreesboro, Tennessee), and perhaps both camps will never truly see eye-to-eye. Or maybe, just maybe, one side will grow some, and it will be easier to see eye-to-eye. Get it?
This study, as well as over sixty pages of recipes, cleaning tricks, and the hottest celebrity gossip can be found in the August volume of the New England Chronicle of Science, on newsstands everywhere.
Ronald Sampson
