BRANSON – In the grand tradition of making New Year’s resolutions that are impossible to fulfill, a Walmart greeter from Branson, Missouri, has decided to ditch the daily grind for a life of eternal nights and neck-biting adventures. Fed up with the monotony, she’s resolved to become a vampire in 2024.
Our fearless greeter, who wishes to remain anonymous, cunningly realized that the night shift was already her domain, making the transition to vampirism a seamless endeavor. Plus, she’s convinced it’s a clever way to save on groceries – no need to shop when you can feast on the customers, especially those with a surplus of “extra” blood due to their generous figures.
“I work nights anyway, might as well embrace the darkness,” she declared, fangs metaphorically bared.
But the excitement doesn’t stop there. Our vampiric hopeful has taken the liberty of transforming her apartment into a crypt fit for a nocturnal queen. A custom coffin setup is reportedly the envy of every undead interior decorator in the afterlife.
Undeterred by potential hurdles like sunlight or garlic, she’s been spotted lurking around cemeteries, hoping for a chance encounter with a suave Dracula to make her eternal dream come true. Rumor has it she’s even started a support group for aspiring vampires, meeting under the moonlight to share tips and trade stories of their nightly escapades.
When asked about her Walmart colleagues, she simply smirked, “I’ve traded in ‘Welcome to Walmart’ for ‘Welcome to the Dark Side.’ It’s a better fit, and the dental plan is to die for.”
As the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve, our greeter plunged into a new life – or should we say afterlife – with hopes of fangs, bats, and everlasting nights. Branson, Missouri, may never be the same again. Stay tuned for updates on this batty adventure!
Stan Dirkson
