EUGENE – In today’s digital age, finding love online has become the norm. Yet, for Gabriella Romano, a lonely 26-year-old spinster, the world of online dating has brought her on a strange adventure. After growing old and tired of the single life, Gabriella decided to take a plunge into the ocean of online dating. Little did she know, she was about to be catfished – by an actual catfish!
Romano had spent countless hours sifting through dating profiles. The endless parade of unsuitable matches left her exasperated. Skinny twerps posing in the mountains, fat guys in Oakleys holding up fish, unemployed handsome losers, and the worst of all: men under 6 feet tall. Just as she was about to throw in the towel and resign herself to adopting a cat and becoming politcally active, she stumbled upon something novel.
The profile that caught her eye belonged to a man named Icarus Punctatus, sporting a full head of wavy brown hair, no kids, employed in the scavenging industry, standing at a respectable 6’1″, and only slightly deformed. The photo did raise some red flags with its strange whiskers and somewhat fishlike appearance. Her friends warned her about the dangers of being catfished on dating sites, but Gabriella dismissed their concerns, thinking it was just too literal to be true. She decided to reel him in for a date at a fancy restaurant while she still had him on the hook.
When the day arrived, Gabriella was stunned to discover that her online Romeo, who had regaled her with tales of freshwater ecosystem explorations across North America, was indeed an actual catfish! Despite the shock, ever the optimist, Gabriella decided to go through with the date. To her surprise, the evening turned out to be “absolutely perfect,” as the self-proclaimed old hag recounted later.
“He never interrupted me and really let me talk on and on,” Gabriella marveled about her whiskery paramour. “I kept expecting him to chime in, but he just kept slowly opening his mouth and slowly closing it again.” The catfish’s listening skills left a lasting impression on Gabriella. Although the encounter did leave her bed a bit slimy, she remains undeterred.
Gabriella Romano is planning on seeing Punctatus again, this time at the bottom of a nearby muddy pond. To make this possible, she’s even signed up for scuba lessons. This unexpected turn of events in the murky waters of online dating has given Gabriella hope that even is all human men are scum, there are still good fishmen out there who could make suitable romantic partners.
While most people fear being catfished by deceitful individuals hiding behind fake profiles, Gabriella’s experience proves that sometimes, reality can be even stranger than fiction. Her tale of finding love in the unlikeliest of places serves as a testament to the unpredictability of romance and the enduring hope that everyone, even an ancient spinster like Romano, can find love – sometimes in the most unexpected ways. And as for their future? Well, let’s just say they’re taking things slow—Gabriella still has a few questions about how external fertilization works in a relationship.
So, for those navigating the waters of online dating, Gabriella’s story is a cautionary yet heartwarming tale. Always stay vigilant, but keep an open mind. You never know, your perfect match might just be waiting for you at the bottom of a pond.
Franklin Carson
