Welcome to Dear Tom, an advice column we’re trying out after we received numerous questions that read more like requests for advice, and coincidentally stumbled on a way to open a time portal without having a reason to use it. Mo Sinclair wanted to use the time portal to fight historical figures, but we figured, why not find one solution to the two needs we were faced with. So we tried to think of some of the most learned men in American history, then targeted them with our time portal technology. So far we’ve gotten one positive response, and it was from founding father, Thomas Jefferson.
Thomas Jefferson, the third president of the United States, lived from 1743 to 1826, and as we learned from this experiment, there is much about modern society that just doesn’t compute with guys from his time. While being a statesman, lawyer, writer, philosopher, and architect in his time may have left him with a curious nature, hence his immediate response to our request, that background seemingly didn’t leave him with a ton of insight about things to come.
He asked us multiple questions, but not wanting to interfere with the space-time continuum, we only answered questions that could not affect the future. Surprisingly, a lot of those questions involved rating the butts of various historical figures. Once a rapport was established, we started firing him some user submitted questions.
1. I was trying to be romantic the other night, and told my wife that out of the billions of women on this planet, I bet there’s only one, maybe two million women that I would get along with better than her. With an estimated 4 billion or so women on the planet, I thought telling her that I preferred her over 99.9995% of the female population was pretty generous if anything, but she got mad about it saying that she always thought we were meant for each other and hoped that I felt the same way. By my calculations, this overly emotional response bumps her down to the top like 400 million or so. Which by the way, is still pretty good considering that’s liking her more than 90% of other women. Am I wrong here? – Gerard F
TJ: Dear Sir,
It cannot be true that the Earth could hold over 4 billion souls, let alone the 8 billion you suggest by your letter, can it? I do share your assessment that loving your wife more than almost the entirety of the female population is fair, but I do feel her unease as well. She must hear words of comfort from you, even if they are constructed in a manner that is not the entirety of truth. Increase your numbers to consider her in the fairest 50 women and I don’t think she shall remain unhappy. Th. Jefferson
2. HELP! I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror. I’m fairly certain that I’m actually a robot! I’ve run a few tests on myself and I can’t escape the possibility that I’m an animatronic man. I told my landlord, and he’s threatening to evict me unless I admit that I’m a human man and as such need to pay bills, but I’m just not sure. How can I tell if I’m a robot or not? – Peter B
TJ: Dear Sir,
I am not familiar with this term robot, but I am aware of a Slavic term robota, which means servitude, or forced labor. You mentioned your landlord, which tells me that you are indeed a laborer, not owning your own land and in debt to a man who allows you to exist on his homestead. All debts must be repaid, lord and servant, lest ye end up in debtor’s prison. Th. Jefferson
3. Doppelgänger? The other night I was in the kitchen when I heard a commotion going on in my bedroom. I opened the door to see the back of a man’s head as he was going to town on my wife. I shouted, and he immediately jumped out of my window before I was able to see his face. My wife looked up at me in shock and said she thought that the man was me. Apparently, he looked and acted just like me. I was stunned! I looked up the term doppelgänger, a German concept of a spirit that impersonates another person for their own ghostly gains, and it seems to explain what this was, do you agree? – Robbie R
TJ: Dear Sir,
A maiden in need of a ride to town is nothing to be shocked about. If you are busy elsewhere, a servant can do that for you without issue. I’m not sure of the problem or why it needs an explanation, particularly one of a mysterious and supernatural nature. I do suggest you find a better man to serve you, as one seeking escape through a window simply cannot be doing you just service. I would seek out another for employ. I know of a robot who may be of service to you once he comes to terms with his duties and lot in life. Th. Jefferson
