SPRINGFIELD, MA — What began as a routine corrective vision procedure on Tuesday ended with one man inadvertently equipped with what witnesses described as “laser eyes.”
According to emergency personnel, 42-year-old Darren Whitcomb entered the offices of Dr. Victor Dreadmoor, O.D., expecting to undergo standard LASIK surgery, commonly referred to as “Laser Eye Surgery”. Instead, a malfunction — or possible miscalibration — left Whitcomb with the ability to emit concentrated red beams of light from his pupils.
“It all happened so fast,” said receptionist Carol Jenkins, who was dialing a patient reminder call at the time. “One second I heard the whir of the machine, the next the filing cabinets were on fire. Mr. Whitcomb just kept blinking in surprise, and every blink took out another wall.”
The office of Dr. Dreadmoor, located in a small strip mall between a frozen yogurt shop and a nail salon, was heavily damaged. Fire officials said the blaze was quickly contained, though significant scorch marks remained on the many skulls adorning the door to Dr. Dreadmoor’s office. No injuries were reported, aside from “temporary retinal dazzle” among staff.
Dr. Dreadmoor, who has practiced optometry in the area for 15 years, maintained that his office complies with all state safety regulations. “The machine performed exactly as designed,” he said while twiddling his handlebar mustache at a hastily convened press conference outside the smoldering building. “Perhaps more exactly than anyone could have anticipated.”
Whitcomb, meanwhile, appeared bewildered wise eyes tightly shut but otherwise in good health. “I just wanted to stop wearing glasses,” he told reporters. “Now every time I open my eyes, I vaporize something. Yesterday it was my garage door.”
Authorities are still determining whether the incident constitutes a medical error or an “unlicensed weapons discharge.” The Federal Laser Safety Commission has been notified.
For now, Whitcomb has been advised to wear industrial welding goggles until further evaluation can be completed.
Dr. Dreadmoor declined to answer follow-up questions regarding why his office possessed a “quantum ocular focusing array,” or whether additional patients might have been scheduled for similar treatment.
The investigation is ongoing.
Jessica Cortez-Hill
