In an age where misinformation spreads like wildfire, it’s crucial to separate fact from fiction, especially when it comes to complex scientific endeavors like the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN. To celebrate the recent rebooting of the celebrated particle collider, let’s debunk five common myths surrounding CERN and the LHC that your crazy uncle might have been spreading at family gatherings.
MYTH: The LHC was used during the eclipse to open up a gateway to Hell and usher in a new era of darkness on Earth.
FACT: Contrary to this sensational claim, the portal was actually opened in order to rescue Alan Turing and John von Neumann from their deserved eternity of damnation, in the hopes of using their unparalleled genius to tear an even bigger rift in the Firmament. That larger rift should be enough to get a beachhead for Lucifer’s Legions, who will enslave humanity for at least 1,000 years, but it will not be darker than normal.
MYTH: The LHC causes earthquakes due to miniature black holes created when it’s run at full capacity.
FACT: While earthquakes do occur in the area around the LHC during operation, it’s not due to the black holes. The black holes, which are increasing in size with every improvement to the machine, collapse harmlessly after a brief moment, expelling an unknown form of psychic energy that can cause mammals unimaginable emotional pain. The earthquakes have to do with the reptilian base in the area harnessing that anguish for their energy producing terror turbines, which they use to power their earthquake machine. They use the machine for their own purposes.
MYTH: CERN worships Shiva the Destroyer.
FACT: There is a prominent statue to Shiva at the headquarters in Meyrin, Switzerland, and in 2016 a video was leaked of a possible human sacrifice in front of that shrine. CERN’s official position is that the ritual was not sanctioned, but they confirmed that their staff was involved, though the worship is a personal matter rather.
MYTH: The LHC is being used to generate exotic weapons, including antimatter for next-generation munitions.
FACT: The LHC is a big tube underground that cost 5 billion dollars, and it’s only purpose is so scientists will know a little bit more about subatomic particles. There is absolutely no secret research and no applied science being done, and the stakeholders are just funding this out of a love of knowledge for knowledge’s sake. The antimatter is being used for non-military purposes.
MYTH: The CERN logo contains three sixes, a clear reference to Satanism.
FACT: The CERN logo is a modernist abomination, and while a sharp eyed observer can certainly find at least 3 sixes in there, it’s tough to imagine that a Satanic cabal of scientists would spell it out so blatantly. A quick glance at the logo does evoke “666,” but upon closer inspection, the sixes disappear and the logo becomes a tangled mess. The only real evil here is poor graphic design.
In conclusion, it’s important to critically evaluate information, especially when it comes to complex scientific topics like particle physics. While myths and conspiracy theories may capture the imagination, they often lack evidence and rely on sensationalism rather than facts. So next time your crazy uncle starts spouting wild theories about CERN and the LHC, remember to fact-check before spreading misinformation.
Lhana Lhak
