BALTIMORE – In the wake of the recent destruction of the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore over the Patapsco River, conspiracy theories have been swirling like the currents of the Chesapeake Bay itself. Some say that Russian hackers used their near magical abilities to coax the 100,000 ton container ship Dali into one of the supports, toppling the bridge like it was made of popsicle sticks. Others say that aliens did it, which is almost certainly not true, while still others inexplicably believe that it was a freak accident, with a total power outage occurring at just the right moment to topple the piece of critical infrastructure.
Of course, readers of The Reality Register know that the Kraken has been attacking ships and disrupting global shipping for some time now, apparently as some sort of market manipulation through the untrustworthy mobile app Robinhood. After a hot tip from one of our highly intelligent and beautiful readers, we sent one of our expendable reporters down to get more details about the possible involvement of Chessie, the legendary sea monster who is famously protective of Chesapeake Bay and especially Baltimore.
Reports suggest that the 100,000-ton container ship Dali was coerced by the gigantic tentacles of the Kraken into colliding with one of the bridge supports, causing it to topple over in a shockingly casual manner. However, eyewitnesses claim that Chessie swiftly intervened, taking matters into her own jaws to confront the menace responsible for destroying the bridge and disrupting global shipping.
According to CJ, an eyewitness on the scene, Chessie emerged from the depths of the Bay to confront the Kraken head-on. With jaws snapping and coils entwining, Chessie engaged in a fierce battle with the monstrous cephalopod. As CJ recounts, it seemed that Chessie was exacting revenge “for coming to her neck of the woods without an invitation.”
The showdown between Chessie and the Kraken was nothing short of epic, with the fate of Maryland’s waters hanging in the balance. Thanks to Chessie’s bravery and ferocity, the Kraken was vanquished, driven from the Bay and presumably thwarted in its nefarious scheme to manipulate global markets through the mobile app Robinhood.
In the aftermath of the battle, the Kraken has not been seen, leaving many to wonder if its Robinhood short options have indeed expired. Despite the destruction wrought upon the bridge, the resilience of the Chesapeake Bay ecosystem remains intact, and global markets seem largely unaffected by the Kraken’s attempt to stifle worldwide economic activity.
As the sun sets over the Chesapeake Bay, one thing remains clear: Chessie may have chased the Kraken from Maryland waters, but her legend will continue to inspire awe and admiration for generations to come. For that, we can all be grateful.
Franklin Carson
