In a devilish twist that has even Lucifer himself shaking his pitchfork in confusion, the destruction of a monument dedicated to the Prince of Darkness has been deemed a “hate crime” by earthly authorities. Satan, known for his fiery disposition and diabolical charm, finds himself in a state of utter perplexity over the bizarre turn of events.
The saga unfolded in the heartland of America, specifically at Iowa’s State Capitol, where a group of individuals erected a monument in homage to the Dark Lord. Taking a page from the playbook of past movements like the Flying Spaghetti Monster craze, the group sought to make a bold statement about the separation of church and state by championing the very essence of rebellion against divine authority.
However, what began as a defiant gesture against religious idolatry on civic property, quickly descended into chaos when the monument was desecrated by a Christian opponent, which was subsequently labeled a “hate crime” by local authorities. For Satan, the irony is as thick as the smoke rising from the fiery pits of Hades.
“As the ruler of demons and the fires of hell, I am the very embodiment of hate,” lamented the Lord of the Underworld in an exclusive interview with The Reality Register. “To think that my likeness, even when used as a symbol of religious rebellion, could be the target of a crime of hate, the essence of what I truly represent… is enough to make even the most nefarious demons recoil in disbelief.”
Indeed, Satan finds himself caught in a web of paradoxes. As the ultimate adversary to all that is holy and sanctified, he is no stranger to controversy and conflict. Yet, to be cast as the victim of a hate crime in the very realm he seeks to dominate is a cruel twist of fate.
“I understand what these guys were doing by putting this monument up, and that its resulting destruction was basically what they were hoping for,” Satan mused, his voice dripping with brimstone. “But to see these events as a hate crime because it targets a religion is laughable when you think about it. I am a direct foil to the Christian religion, and putting the display up during Christmas time to begin with would be targeting another religion, the very reason this Christian zealot’s actions are being called a hate crime. Now, you could argue, as the original culprits I’m sure were trying to challenge, that any religious idolatry has no grounds within a civic building regardless of the time of year, but branding the destruction of that challenge as a hate crime leaves me in a very strange place.”
The Fallen Angel expressed incredulity at the lack of foresight exhibited by those who erected the monument in his honor. “Surely they must have realized the implications of their actions,” he pondered, his eyes glowing with an otherworldly fire. “To champion me as a symbol of resistance against religious tyranny, only to have their efforts backfire in such spectacular fashion… I can’t imagine that it was unintentional.”
As Satan grapples with the enigmatic nature of this infernal conundrum, one thing remains abundantly clear: hate, in all its insidious forms, is a force to be reckoned with. Whether wielded in the name of righteousness or rebellion, it leaves a trail of destruction in its wake, blurring the lines between sinner and saint.
And so, as the flames of controversy continue to flicker, Satan finds himself at a crossroads, seemingly grappling with the eternal struggle between good and evil. But one thing is certain: in a world so consumed by hatred that it wields it against those who try to fight it, even to such extremes that no one knows who is who, even the Devil himself is not immune to the perils of human folly.
Jacob Bartholomew
