A new study in the New England Chronicle of Science stirs up the age-old question of how much alcohol can an adult consume before experiencing health consequences. The findings, published in March’s journal, underline what many already believed: that taking a ten strip of acid and drinking thirty-six warm Heinekens has acute negative health implications for many adults.
“There has been a lot of confusion about some of the parameters of the experiment,” says Miskatonic Nursing College’s Dr. Hoagie Sanrio, “but in all of the scenarios, the suitcase of Heineken and ten strip of blotter acid had dramatic impacts on the subject’s vitals. So it doesn’t matter if it’s a nice day out, or whether the patient is in a kiddie pool in their driveway or not. It doesn’t even matter what music is playing – although we found the highest indices of comorbidity when listening to Blues Traveller. In general, that’s just a lot of beer to drink in one day.”
Other variables tested in the extensive study (a partnership between Miskatonic Nursing College and the Andre The Giant Foundation) included whether it made a difference if you swapped out six of the Heinekens for Honey Browns, if the subject could go-with on a smoke run instead of having to stay in the driveway, or if the subject was forced to comprehend the idea of food as he was coming down from the LSD instead of just finishing his beer. None of these variables, according to Dr. Sanrio, had any positive health implications. “I’m sure that it’s too much beer.”
Some of the less positive side effects cataloged during this groundbreaking study included: weight gain, diarrhea, missing work the next day, missing most of Easter, Heineken leg (also called Dutch gam disease), rapid heart beat, elevated blood pressure, chthonic embrace, body sweats, mind sweats, and inebriation.
Though there seemed to be an overwhelming consensus among experts, not all of the voices in the study were in agreement. In fact, some reported to find over-consumption of alcohol to be not only benign, but beneficial. While eye opening, it should be noted that these reports came from a portion of the study funded by Project D Pop, known to have ties to the Illuminati and its agendas surrounding depopulation.
An unnamed source attached to the project, claiming to be, “…definitely not the guy sitting next to Salvador Dalí in the photo right there,” while pointing to a black and white 4”x6” of an Illuminati gathering at the Waldorf Astoria in 1972, had a more nuanced view of the findings. “Test subject 11-γ demonstrated significantly heightened senses fourteen hours into the study. He was nailing the Zener card tests. One after the other. And we were using tarot, it was no joke. So either this guy was a medium of some sort, or MKUltra is back, baby! I think he was the guy who drank all those Honey Browns.” JW Dundee Brewing Co. declined to comment for this article.
If you’re curious about how your own drinking habits line up with these findings, the full study can be found in the March New England Chronicle Of Science. 3D glasses are included.
Ronald Sampson
