THE NORTH POLE – Move over Grinch, it looks like technology may have destroyed Christmas this year before you get a chance to steal it. Santa Claus has embarked on a technological adventure that threatens to turn this Christmas into the most peculiar one yet. The jolly old man attempted to revolutionize his annual gift-giving trek using a cutting-edge teleporter. Little did he know, an as yet unnamed reindeer got in his blindspot and has created a holiday horror that would make David Cronenberg nauseous.
The teleportation experiment went awry, reminiscent of the classic sci-fi film “The Fly” when Santa and the unnamed reindeer found themselves fused into a nightmarish half-man, half-reindeer hybrid after going through the teleporter at the same time, the beast of burden apparently following a bit too closely behind old Saint Nick. The festive season now hangs in the balance as the elves are working around the clock using their skills in toymaking and dentistry to try and to salvage Christmas.
Santa’s initial intention was noble – to spare his trusty reindeer the arduous journey across the vast oceans. The teleporter promised to zip through the expanses with unprecedented speed, but fate had other plans.
Elves, usually known for their nimble toy-making prowess, are now toiling ceaselessly in a frantic bid to rectify the yuletide catastrophe. Surgical procedures are underway to extricate the reindeer parts from Santa’s trademark jiggly physique. There’s an eerie silence in the North Pole as the workshop echoes with the urgent clinking of surgical tools.
Curiously absent from the elves’ fervent efforts is any indication of concern for the reindeer’s well-being. It seems the focus is solely on restoring Santa to his former, non-hybrid glory. Whispers among the elves suggest that only Rudolph would’ve warranted saving, as the other eight reindeer are considered interchangeable and expendable.
Mrs. Claus, a beacon of calm in the face of Christmas calamity, released a statement expressing optimism. “We have the finest team of elf surgeons working tirelessly to bring Santa back to his full festive self. As for the reindeer, well, let’s just say sacrifices are sometimes necessary for the greater good of Christmas cheer.”
The global ramifications of this bizarre incident remain uncertain. Children worldwide are left wondering if presents will arrive on time or if they’ll be greeted by the sight of a bandaged half-reindeer Santa struggling to fit down chimneys.
In the midst of this surreal holiday saga, conspiracy theories abound. Some suspect foul play from spirits associated with one of the inferior winter holidays like Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Yule, while others claim that Kris Kringle has finally lost a step. There’s a small but vocal minority that blames technological society, asserting that Christmas magic is all that we have ever needed and it’s the hubris of Elven engineers that have brought this disaster to pass.
As Christmas Eve approaches, the North Pole is a whirlwind of activity. The fate of the festive season rests on the tiny shoulders of elves armed with scalpels and determination. Can they undo this yuletide mishap and save Christmas from being remembered as the year Santa became a reindeer-human hybrid? Will Santa call in a favor from Jesus on the night before his birthday? Only time will tell, and the world holds its breath in anticipation of the outcome of this teleported tale.
Stan Dirkson
