This past weekend, President Joe Biden withdrew his bid for reelection. Many saw this coming following his less than stellar performance at June’s debate against Republican nominee Donald Trump, but what surprised me was his recommendation for his replacement on the democratic ticket. He carefully explained his reasons for abandoning the presidential race, then with a straight face, said Kamala, otherwise known as the Ugandan Giant of wrestling fame, should replace him on the ballot.
Let me preface the rest of this article with this: this is not an argument for one party over another and I don’t wish to get overly political here. As a card carrying Whig, I haven’t been happy with the state of American politics since the days of Millard Fillmore. That said, I can’t be the only one thinking this nomination is completely bananas, and I mean to the point where I had to look this all up to see if this was a different Kamala we were talking about. A quick trip to Wikipedia told me that Kamala’s full name is “Kamala” James Harris, the very same Kamala Harris that this week gained the nomination of the Democratic party as their best hope of retaining the presidency. I can think of at least a dozen reasons why this was a dumb move, but I’ll give you five of them to think about before casting your vote this November.
Reason #1: He’s Ugandan
The Ugandan Giant isn’t just a title, Kamala Harris hails from the African country of Uganda. While he might not be the first African-born president of the United States, we supposedly have rules in place that state that only those born in the United States are eligible to become president. Kamala carries himself drenched in the culture of his homeland, with no intention of acclimating himself to the American way of life. In Uganda, he may be an honored tribal leader, but our cultures are very different. Just check out this promo from the early ’90s and tell me if this is the guy you want making speeches to the United Nations on your behalf…
While he is definitely menacing in that video, which in itself could serve to intimidate foreign leaders, it definitely doesn’t scream America to me. Whether it’s the moaning, the facepaint, or the giant tribal mask, it’s just not the American culture. I’m not even positive that the guy speaks English, as he always needed someone to talk for him in promos. Speaking of which…
Reason #2: Mic skills were never his strong suit
In wrestling, whenever a guy had some heat from the crowd but needed a manager to speak for him, it meant that he had something special in the ring and/or a great gimmick but wasn’t able to wow the crowd with his mastery of an emotionally charged, pre-match speech. A manager fills this communication gap for the wrestler to complete the package. While managers are fine for wrestling promos, in the realm of politics, each politician is expected to speak for himself. This was never one of Kamala Harris’ strengths. Just check this promo out, and in particular, monitor Kamala’s input, and compare it to what you envision the highest ranking statesman to be…
I’m sorry, I just can’t see this guy succeeding in a public debate. Even if he somehow does, is this the kind of guy you’d entrust with the nuclear codes? I definitely wouldn’t, you know why?
Reason #3: He was a heel (bad guy) his entire wrestling career
Kamala himself is not a bad guy, not at all in fact, he’s a force. He’s a force that always needed to be controlled. The problem is, he has always been controlled by men with questionable, at times even evil, motivations.
Kamala’s in the ring shtick was being extremely aggressive with chops and kicks while having only a thinly understood grasp of the rules of wrestling. Every match he would go for a pin and it would get lost in translation somehow, like in this battle with the next-door neighbor from Office Space where he won’t get off of him after the bell rings (match starts at the 54 second mark)…
It was either instances like this, or he’d go for a pin on his opponent only to have the guy face-down, which just doesn’t count as a pin. After being berated by his handlers from ringside, he’d flip his opponent around and clumsily get him into a pinned position, keeping him there with his immense size and strength. Those handlers, aside from speaking for him in promos, always had nefarious reasons for unleashing their Ugandan giant on opponents.
Kamala is a weapon for his handlers, and while I’m sure in the right hands he could be a powerful physical force for good, it’s just not what we need in a president. Who are his handlers are going to be at that level and what will their intentions be? Someone this easily controlled can’t be trusted to be president, especially when you consider that…
Reason #4: Kamala was just a character!
Alright so this one might negate the three previous reasons, but it adds an even deeper level of absurdity when you consider that this guy is being nominated for president. Kamala is just a character performed by James Harris! That’s right, he doesn’t actually exist at all. It turns out, James Harris wrestled under a number of different names over the years, including Sugar Bear Harris in the early 1980’s.
James was actually born in Mississippi, not Uganda, and was by all accounts a stand up guy with a great personality. He speaks perfect English and wears clothes just like the rest of us. Why then, was Kamala nominated instead of James Harris? That’s a great question, particularly when you see interviews like this one which tell his amazing story…
I’d love for that video to be the end of the story, particularly James’s poignant last words in that interview, but sadly…
Reason #5: Kamala (James Harris) is dead…
In what is perhaps the final gaffe of his political career, Joe Biden nominated a character, played by a dead man, to take his place as the Democratic nominee for president. That’s right, as of 2020, James “Kamala” Harris is dead. This may come as sad news to anyone who enjoyed James’ antics in the ring for all these years, and rightfully so as he was amazing, but its even sadder that an entire major political party is just going to go along with the charade to allow an aging politician to save face. Don’t believe me? Check out this tribute to James Harris that was put out a few years ago when word first spread of his death…
While dead candidates have won political races in the United States before, none have done so being nominated after their deaths, particularly with no political background. I get that there’s a sense of desperation to defeat Donald Trump in November, but I just don’t see how this nomination makes any sense.
So there you have it, all of my reasons that nominating Kamala Harris as the presidential nominee is a mistake. While I’m sure you can think of many more, please reflect on these reasons before voting this November. The right to vote is a sacred one, and should be used only when we are well-informed of our choices.
Hiram Glassman
