Quick question: have you ever dreamed of owning a robot dog armed with a flamethrower? No? Well, neither had I until I stumbled upon The Thermonator, the latest innovation in the realm of fiery canines. From CNN to USA Today, everyone has been raving about this fun new gadget from a robotics company in Ohio, and why wouldn’t they be? It’s one of those creepy robot dog things spouting burning fuel from its back! And get this, it’s available to the public for the low, low cost of $9,420! That’s right, your mildly affluent neighbor could conceivably buy two of these things for all of the chores around his house for less than your Toyota Camry.
I know what you’re thinking, how could these things possibly be a good idea? I mean, considering each is wired with bluetooth capabilities, you’d think that they could be controlled by malicious hackers, government officials, and the ever more rapidly approaching singularity that will inevitably accompany the advances in artificial intelligence, but you’re wrong to be concerned. I mean really, what could go wrong when you have an indestructible robot dog attached to a flamethrower in your basement that could conceivably be controlled by an unforeseen third party? If it were so dangerous, it wouldn’t be legal in 48 of the 50 states, right?
But your questions don’t end there, I know. The real question is, why do we even need something like this, not just as a consumer, mind you, I mean as a species? What possible use case would these things have other than violence? Let me tell you friend, these things are the best things to happen to humanity since Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus first hit the airwaves. I’ll clue you in on five completely necessary use cases that will make you feel dumb for ever questioning the utility of flame throwing robots.
USE CASE #1: The Campfire Connoisseur
Everyone loves a campfire. You get to sit around hanging out with your buddies or your family, laughing and maybe even singing and drinking some beverages while enjoying a night under the stars. The one little annoyance about sitting around the bon fire, well two if you count the mosquitoes, is the constant need to tend to the fire.
Enter The Thermonator, more than eager to rekindle any flame, with the fuel to make it stay that way. Hell, in a pinch, the robo-dog can actually be the flame itself. Just have it lay down, point its nozzle to the stars and let the good times roll!
USE CASE #2: The Domestic Dynamo
Picture this, you’re on the all important third date and you’ve invited your special lady to your place to cook her dinner and showcase all of your skills. Dinner’s on the skillet, the table is all laid out, and the smell of beer and stale Doritos has been deep cleaned out of your couch. When she arrives and it’s time to light the candles for the romantic salmon that you’ve pan fried to perfection, do you really want to be fiddling around with a 99 cent lighter from some gas station? She’s been with those guys before, bucko, tonight she’s here searching for the real deal.
Just calmly sit back and smile knowingly, then watch as she turns to putty in your hands when your robot dog waltzes into the living room and ignites the candles on the table and in the very depths of her heart. You’re going to look absolutely slick and in one breath she’s going to think you’re a man of taste and of means, one able to afford his own flaming robot dog butler. But there you’ll be, chuckling at her womanly ignorance, knowing you didn’t even drop ten grand on your incendiary servant. You’ve got this one in the bag, pal.
USE CASE #3: The Yard Guardian
What’s the best way to prevent uncontrolled fires? Controlled fires, that’s what. When you have the only flame thrower on the block, who is in more control of fires than you. Your neighbors will thank you for the lush forests your robot dog has provided for them by having a constant stream of controlled fires patrolling the borders of your property line.
With The Thermonator, yard work has never been easier, and your area’s invasive plant species have been running amok for far too long. Just light ’em up and thank the dogs for the good fortune they’ve gifted upon you, nay, upon us all.
USE CASE #4: The Campaign Companion
When I was a kid, I always wanted to be an adventurer. Going on excursions through dark woods, spelunking through hidden caves, or braving the deepest and darkest of catacombs to get the sweet, sweet spoils of the dead hidden inside, all sounded to me to be best that life had to offer. But as every source that sparked our childhood dreams reminds us, adventure is nothing when taken alone, you need a partner.
Enter your robot-dog, with the unwavering loyalty of a both a soulless metallic puppet and a dedicated canine. He’ll never let you down, he’ll never run around and desert you. He’ll be right there by your side, gallivanting along with you in your travels, and he comes with his own torch.
USE CASE #5: Those Pesky Protesters
So you’re on your way to work one morning and after parking your car, you see that a crowd of college aged kids is blocking the way into your building, and it’s coming painfully close to 9:00. Mr. Jenkins is really gonna give it to you this time. You try to ask nicely, you try to reason with them, you even try raising your voice and pushing your way through, but try as you might, the crowd claiming to support some country and not another country stands firmly in the way between you and your means of supporting yourself. What are you to do?
You open your trunk and see your robotic friend spring to life as the lightly spurting fuel dripping from the nozzle behind its head ignites. You rush forward and have him fire a heavy warning shot to really spook those protesters good. They’ll think you really mean business. But suddenly, what’s this? There are actually like 4 other robotic dogs already spewing fire into the crowd. You gasp as the flames rise and the screams ring out over the regular sounds of the morning hustle and bustle. You were just going to scare them! What the hell? The police are doing this? They’re just kids! They don’t know any better!! What the hell?
Oh shoot, I guess that last use case ends up a little violent. Still, flaming robot dogs, pretty sweet, huh?
Hiram Glassman
