It’s July 4th, which for anyone residing in the United States means I have to say, “Happy Independence Day!” As you go out to enjoy your barbecues and fireworks, try to take a moment to reflect on the true spirit of this holiday: declaring independence. Though you don’t often hear it, this should not be taken to mean a simple independence from tyrannical governments. This is a fruitless endeavor, as ultimately tyrannical governments will find you regardless of how independent you think you are. Instead, try to think of the everyday things that you would be better off without. While I’m sure anyone that reads this could come up with a million things they’d like to be rid of in their lives, I’ve thought of five things that I’m sure we’d all agree should receive our collective declaration of independence.
1. Freedom From Parades
“Life, liberty, and the pursuit of walking alone.”
Let’s face it, parades are an antiquated form of entertainment. Families everywhere seemingly love gathering up their moldy old folding chairs and blankets, and setting them up on the side of a dirty main road next to discarded candy wrappers and nip bottles. They wave like idiots at some holier than thou fireman as he slowly rolls by children, who, by the way, are disappointed that he’s not throwing candy at them. The taxed populace is forced down poorly marked side street detours for three hours, while troop 153 complains about how long the walk is to the sounds of the high school marching band, which hits sour note after sour note in what might be a rendition of “You’re a Grand Ol’ Flag”. I don’t know about you, but this is all what I consider to be real entertainment.
The worst part of all this is, who gets to march in these parades, paid for at your expense? It’s the public servants, who I’m sure are all on the clock, walking at the front and back, sandwiching organizations that usually have paid membership. In all the parades I witnessed as a kid, there was never a place for nerdy writer types next to the cheer-leading squad or Ms. Cindi’s Dance School. There was no float for the editor of the high school newspaper to sit on and wave to an adoring crowd, leaving me to stand alone on the sidelines taking pictures of the phony smiles of last year’s homecoming court. On a day to celebrate the land of equal opportunity, parades exemplify the inequality all around us.
2. Freedom From Birthday Celebrations
“I only regret that I have but one birthday to lose for my country.”
Everyone likes getting gifts, that’s a given, but does anyone really enjoy birthday celebrations? Even in its smallest of forms, a birthday consists of a person awkwardly sitting before a candlelit cake, waiting for their tone deaf relatives to stop singing at them. These celebrations only get more grandiose from there. They range from surprise parties, where everyone, the guest of honor included, has to pretend they are having fun with the concept of unexpected shouting, to gatherings held at function halls and recreation centers, where thousands of dollars are spent and guests feel pressured to buy high priced items in an effort to avoid the disappointment of the birthday boy or girl. Anyway you slice it, birthday celebrations are uncomfortable for everyone involved, and they need to stop.
As someone born on July 6th, I can personally attest that birthday celebrations are horrible. Summers are crazy, with everyone’s calendar completely filling up by late May. With all of the barbecues to celebrate the storied traditional holidays of early summer, first Memorial Day, then Juneteenth, all culminating in July 4th, everyone is partied out by the time Ol’ Hiram’s birthday rolls around, even when he hit the big 5-0 last summer. Just face it, birthdays are awful.
3. Freedom From Ice Cream
“Free at last, free at last, thank Ben & Jerry’s almighty, we’re free at last!”
Ice cream is bad for you, plain and simple. It’s literally cream with a bunch of sugar added to it, littered with toppings of some sort and frozen. If you ate nothing but ice cream, it would kill you. Even worse, a lot of ice cream isn’t even good. I know you have heard people talk about it in movies and on TV, but really, have you ever tried Rum Raisin? How about Pistachio? They are disgusting. Ice cream is a luxury we could all certainly do without.
Luckily for me, I picked up a lactose intolerance at some point in the last year, so I can’t eat dairy products of any kind without being glued to a toilet for at least four hours straight. Good Humor? Good riddance, I say!
4. Freedom From Friendship
“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that friends suck.”
In this life, the only one you can really count on is yourself. Having friends may seem important, but when you really think about it, it’s not at all. Who was there for you when you were romantically rejected for the first time? No one. Who was there for you when you were fired for lateness and gross incompetence? No one again. All friends want to do is talk about your feelings or offer alternatives to occupy your mind to keep you from wallowing in self-pity. Who needs that?
Not me, that’s for sure. Yes, they can be useful when you need someone to help you move or pick you up at the airport, but ultimately you don’t need a friend to anything. For example, let’s say you accidentally blow off your finger trying to entertain- wait actually, you know what?
5. Freedom From the Fifth Finger
“Give us liberty or give us a four fingered hand.”
As long as you have your thumbs, you don’t need all of your fingers. That is a scientific fact. You can still wave, you can still clap, hell, you can still type on your laptop and play still play the piano at the same time, not that I have ever tried. Pentadactyl normativity has become such a problem in our society that people instantly shout, “FAKE!” anytime they see a picture of someone without five fingers on each hand. I say the time has come to free ourselves of these outdated worldviews and accept people for their strength of character, not their strength of grip.
Take me, for example. I tried to treat my “friends” to a Juneteenth fireworks show while camping last month and while the show was utterly exquisite, not quite everything went exactly according to plan. Sure I lost my middle finger and a good portion of the ring finger on my right hand, but I gained some great memories! I also shed myself of some hangers on who were quick to laugh at me as I screamed for help. Do I regret it? I mean maybe if I took a while to analyze it, but for the moment, not at all! I type just as fast with my index fingers poking away at the keyboard as I ever did with the full use of my hands. Five fingers on each hand is just too many.
So, as we light up the sky with fireworks tonight, let’s also light up our lives with the spark of true independence. Because sometimes, the chains we need to break are the ones we didn’t even realize we were wearing. Happy Independence Day!
Hiram Glassman
