So as I’m assuming you know, this weekend is Easter. Like any good parent, I have been racking my brain for the perfect gift for my kids. Sure, there’s the classic chocolate eggs and fluffy bunny stuffed animals to buy at every store in town, but I wanted to keep this tradition magical for my kids and not have them say to me “Hey, the Easter Bunny brought all of this same stuff” when we’re collecting all of the Easter clearance candy tomorrow at the Dollar Tree. This year, I had a stroke of genius – why not get each of them their very own Easter bunny? Not just any rabbit though, oh no. I mean actual Easter Bunnies, who are adept at fetching gifts and gathering candy, to serve as their loyal servants all year round. Sounds like a parenting win, right?
When the idea struck me, I wasted no time. I got out my farm supply catalog and ordered a batch of Easter Egger eggs. I mean, it couldn’t get any more Easter-themed than that, could it? For a whole week, I carefully incubated those eggs, eagerly awaiting the big hatch.
Last night, the moment finally arrived. I opened the incubator expecting to be greeted by cute, fluffy bunnies, but instead of adorable little creatures hopping around, I was met with a bunch of stupid birds. Yeah, you read that right – birds. Easter Egger chickens, to be precise.
Confused and slightly disappointed, I turned to the all-knowing oracle of our time: the internet. And what I found shocked me to my core. Turns out, rabbits don’t lay eggs at all! My entire plan had been based on a misconception.
So, being the curious soul that I am, I couldn’t just leave it at that, and have taken a night to delve deep into the mystery, if rabbits are actually mammals, why on Earth is the Easter Bunny associated with eggs? I have five working theories but would love to hear more input:
1. Mystique Marketing:
If you look up why bunnies and eggs are associated with Easter, you’ll get no shortage of theories. People love to point out that Christians were all about integrating pagan rituals to bring about easy conversion, and the majority of their holidays have a mix of traditions from a plethora of cultural backgrounds. One such ritual is the springtime festival of Eoster (sounds like Easter) in the Middle East, a feast to honor a goddess who had, among other symbols, a rabbit to represent her. Others speak of springtime renewal ceremonies that used the Egg as a symbol of rebirth, which is at the center of the Christian holiday. Then you have Lent ending on the day of Easter, and what better treat is there to end your 40 day fast than a nice smelly egg. These are all, of course, mystical hogwash put out there by companies looking to sell cheap plastic animals, eggs, and chocolate. The more weird crap gets thrown into the mix of Easter, the more confused we get as a populace, and the more money we spend trying to keep up with the Easter trends. Don’t buy it friend, the cheaply made plastic trinkets or the false narrative.
2. Easter Of Yesteryear was Much More Eggstravagant:
Easter got its start more than tens of years ago. Back in the day, eggs were worth their weight in gold as they were a rarity among the peasantry, who mainly ate a diet of mud and grasses. So when the Easter bunny came around, your average person was literally rolling in dough. Well, not literally, but you get the idea. Today, through advances in genetic engineering and selective breeding, the price of eggs has gone down significantly, but the tradition still stands.
3. Rabbits are Stronger Than Chickens
Rabbits might be strictly vegetarian, but they’ve got more than enough muscle to force chickens to do their bidding. If there were a benevolent six foot rabbit who gave presents to children everywhere, then much like Santa Claus and his elves, traditional easter bunnies could likely have had armies of chickens doing laying the perfect present for everyone, eggs. Today, we see more plastic replicas on Easter, but the original tradition probably started from a place of abundance.
4. We May Not Be Talking About Chicken Eggs At All!
When you’re a poor subsistence farmer, rabbit is often on the menu as a common source of meat. Often times, wild rabbits would house colonies of all sorts of small pests, from lice to fleas to, unfortunately, the occasional spider egg laid just under the skin. It turns out, there are multiple documented cases of people biting into a nice juicy rabbit haunch only to unleash a horde of baby arachnids into their mouths from a hidden egg burrowed into the animals skin. While this probably wasn’t the Easter surprise the victim was hoping for, our current tradition of a bunny giving eggs may just be an homage to this ancient risk.
5. I Still Think I Was Right From The Start
I’m still not convinced all rabbits don’t lay eggs. I swear, back in grade school, a classmate told me he hatched a rabbit from an egg. Maybe there’s a special breed out there that’s been keeping this secret from us all.
So there you have it, folks. The Easter bunny, the elusive creature we all know and love, wrapped up in a shell of mystery and confusion. But hey, isn’t that what makes this holiday so egg-citing?
Hiram Glassman
