This week, the world lost someone truly special. O.J. Simpson leaves behind a legacy of elite athletic prowess, brilliant comedic acting, and one unfortunately marred by an event that robbed him of his ex-wife and cost him years of his life in between jail cells and court rooms. The murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman sent shock-waves through the world, and brought O.J. Simpson’s illustrious career to a screeching halt. But when he was acquitted of this crime in a criminal court of law, the world was left with an unsolved murder, and a reeling Simpson vowing to find the true killers in an effort to clear his good name and bring his ex-wife’s killer to justice.
It’s truly unfortunate that O.J. died before the actual killer could be found, and when I heard the news of his passing this week, I knew I had to help the Juice gain some closure that he was unable to find in life. I started doing some research to hopefully close a case that’s grown increasingly cold over these last 30 years and I think I was able to come up with some pretty plausible explanations that the police seemed to have ignored in their investigations.
Explanation 1: Someone Else Did It
I don’t mean to dishonor the memories of Goldman or Brown Simpson, but people are killed all the time for a plethora of reasons. Once the finger was pointed at O.J. Simpson, I couldn’t find a reference to any other suspect in the killings, despite a couple of people coming forward over the years and admitting to it. When O.J. was acquitted, why was there not a full on investigation into possible other suspects?!
These people were brutally murdered outside of a condominium in a densely populated neighborhood. One guy reported two men shouting, and no one else heard or saw anything? There’s a good chance we have a guilty conscience or two that are not telling their whole story, unless…
Explanation 2: Grey Alien Mutilation
There were so many stab wounds on these bodies that the situation is reminiscent of cattle mutilations left over from grey alien activity. These scenes are just as grisly as the crime scene in question, and the perpetrators disappear without a trace. If there are no other suspects to be found, why not explore this possibility? Come on detectives…
Explanation 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Listen, I know there were no burn marks on the bodies, but there are a number of bodies that have supposedly spontaneously combusted with wounds that appear to be consistent with a brutal stabbing. Goldman was coming to the house after leaving his work at a restaurant that had a bar, the bartender of which actually testified that he had visited the bar before he left. This means he could have been full of combustible alcohol or have brought some over to his friend’s house that evening, and the right circumstance could have triggered the disaster.
Explanation 4: Ritualistic Suicide
The sheer brutality of the crime scene would appear to rule out the possibility that the two victims had carried out a ritualistic suicide, but don’t jump to that conclusion as quickly as the naive police investigators seem to have done that night. A number of ritualistic suicides and sacrifices have been horrific over the years. Even Richard Karn, of Family Feud and Tool Time fame, beheaded himself when the time came for him to do the ritual deed in the name of the Heaven’s Gate cult.
Explanation 5: It Was O.J. Simpson
I took a hard look at the evidence, and I finally realized something, there’s a good chance that O.J. did it. I mean, his hair and blood were on the scene, in the clothes of Ronald Goldman in fact. There was blood from the scene on a sock found in Simpson’s bedroom. There was a bloody size 12 shoe print from a rare Italian shoemaker called Bruno Magli, which O.J., with his size 12 foot, vehemently denied owning, despite there being pictures of him in evidence wearing the shoes. Holy crap… this guy did it! Hell, there was even a civil suit in which it was ruled that O.J. was liable for both of their deaths! My life has been a lie!
Well, there you have it I guess. Closure for the Juice, even if it wasn’t the closure he was hoping for. Rest well, champ, maybe you’ll get another stab at life if the whole reincarnation thing turns out to be real.
Hiram Glassman
