IRAN – In a tragic turn of events, Iranian President Ebrahim Raisi died in a helicopter crash on May 19, 2024, while traveling through Iran’s East Azerbaijan Province near the village of Uzi along the border with Azerbaijan. The crash, laughably attributed to poor weather conditions, also claimed the life of Iran’s Foreign Minister Hossein Amir-Abdollahian, along with other officials and crew members on board. Amid burbling global tensions, pretty much everyone who’s been paying attention for more than five minutes sensed the hidden hand of shadowy intelligence operatives. None, however, could have predicted the true culprit – a dragon with a distinct color pattern!
The incident occurred in a mountainous area, complicating rescue and recovery efforts. Large clawed footprints were found near the flaming wreckage, and witnesses report a large winged beast with glittering scales of blue, white and red. Iranian authorities have announced five days of mourning in honor of the deceased officials, though they admit it will be cut short if the dragon decides to attack again. It’s not clear if the dragon in question is indigenous to the region or if it is just passing through as part of a seasonal migration, but air traffic has been rerouted from the area until some sort of dragon slayer can be located.
President Raisi, a hardline conservative, leaves a significant void in the country’s political landscape. Mohammad Mokhber, a close associate of Khamenei, has been appointed as the interim president. Mokhber, who supposedly has multiple advanced degrees, including a PhD, should really be called Dr. Interim President, based on the standards we apply to American political families. Without learning Farsi, it seems impossible to discover where the new Dr. Interim President went to school.
Both American and Israeli officials have denied involvement, though it’s a little weird that the crash occurred near the village of Uzi, the namesake of the iconic Israeli firearm.
Franklin Carson
