SILVER SPRING, MD – In a burger-dropping revelation that has sent jiggles through the fast food industry, a heartbreaking new study from the FDA has unveiled the shocking beef content of America’s favorite hamburgers. Launched merely a decade after the notorious Taco Bell horse meat fiasco, this study aimed to scrutinize the meat content of popular fast food chains, and the results are nothing short of inedible.
McDonald’s: 100% Beef, No Rat or Cardboard!
Hold onto your McRibs, at least until you’re finished chewing! The FDA’s meticulous analysis has confirmed that McDonald’s hamburgers are, astonishingly, 100% beef. It’s hard to believe, but it’s true—no rat, horse, goat, pig, or even a hint of cardboard. “We were as shocked as anyone,” said Dr. Elaine Thompson, lead scientist on the study. “Our team expected to find at least some non-beef contaminants, but McDonald’s patties came back completely pure.”
The revelation that McDonald’s, long rumored to include everything from rat tails to cardboard in their patties, is serving up unadulterated beef is encouraging, leaving McDonald’s as one of the few American institutions that maintains any credibility at all. As Dr. Thompson puts it, “It’s a testament to their quality control and perhaps the biggest surprise of the entire study. Also, they funded this research. I’m lovin’ it! ”
Wendy’s: The Flavor of “Long Beef”
Unfortunately, not all fast food giants fared as well. Wendy’s, famed for its fresh, never-frozen beef, was found to have nearly a fifth of their samples contaminated with human tissue—dubbed “long beef” by the industry. This horrifying discovery is believed to be linked to Wendy’s infamous “adoption” human trafficking scheme, where surplus orphan children were allegedly sold off. It seems the unsold orphans may have found their way into the food supply instead.
The scandal has left Wendy’s scrambling for explanations and damage control. Customers are now questioning every bite of their beloved Baconators, unnerved that they’ve inadvertently consumed more than just beef, but undeterred from patronizing the only good fast food burger joint.
Burger King: A Royal Mess
Burger King, the self-proclaimed “King” of fast food, has its own scandal to deal with. The FDA study revealed that their hamburgers consist of only 40% beef, with the rest made up of a bizarre mix of livestock including goats, guinea pigs, and even dogs. The revelation has left many loyal customers feeling betrayed and disgusted. The Whopper, once a symbol of fast food royalty, is now tainted with the image of barnyard animals and household pets, but their signature crowns were found to contain small traces of actual gold.
Five Guys: Bugs, Diapers, and Goo
Five Guys, often praised for its high-quality, albeit overpriced, burgers, has been exposed in a way no one anticipated. According to the FDA’s findings, their burgers contain only trace amounts of beef. The bulk of their patties are composed of an unsettling mix of bugs, diapers, and an indeterminate substance that scientists have ominously labeled as “goo.” This revelation is a crushing blow to the chain’s reputation, known for terrible fries and now, apparently, dubious meat.
Second-Rate Chains: Irrelevant
In the wake of these shocking findings, other second-rate fast food chains were deemed irrelevant and thus not tested. Their obscurity perhaps spared them from the scrutiny that has left industry giants reeling. Sonic, Jack in the Box, A&W and the wide variety of nearly identical upstart burger joints were determined to be culturally insignificant, and thus they are free to serve up whatever has been swept up off the slaughterhouse floor.
As the data from this study permeates the withered gray matter of diners across the country, fast food aficionados are left questioning their favorite indulgences. With McDonald’s emerging as an unlikely hero of purity and others falling into disgrace, one thing is certain: the giants of fast food will not change a thing as long as Americans continue to poison themselves with their delicious products.
Franklin Carson
