WICHITA - In a bold move on Capitol Hill, Dr. Edward Acula, the spokesperson for the Vampire Organization To Eradicate Sanguivoriphobia (VOTES), is spearheading a campaign to enact bans on portable crucifixes, advocate for common-sense wooden stake control, and limit access to holy water. This initiative comes in the wake of a harrowing super soaker attack on a vampire nest in Wichita, Kansas, reigniting the debate on vampire rights and the use of religious artifacts as weapons.
Dr. Acula stands firm in his plea for legislative action, stating, “Every year, hundreds of vampires fall victim to these deadly weapons. While sunlight remains a formidable threat, we recognize the pragmatic reality that blocking out the sun is beyond our reach. Therefore, we must focus on achievable goals to protect our community.”
Critics have dismissed the Wichita attack as another case of “vamp on vamp crime” and argue that religious Americans seldom employ their religious relics and artifacts against their undead counterparts. However, Dr. Acula dismisses these claims as Sanguivoriphobic tropes, stating, “To suggest that vampires are not targeted by these weapons is to ignore the countless upstanding Draculas vaporized every year. We cannot turn a blind eye to the discrimination and violence faced by our community.”
Addressing concerns about the practicality of carrying holy water and wooden stakes, Dr. Acula asserts, “We are not in Transylvania, and you are not Van Helsing. There is no need for civilians to carry holy water unless they are ordained priests. Furthermore, the notion of arming oneself with sharpened wooden stakes against an imagined blood-sucking threat is not only unnecessary but also perpetuates harmful stereotypes.”
The call for bans on holy water, crosses, and tougher regulations on wooden stakes is not without controversy. Opponents argue that these measures infringe upon religious freedoms and fail to address the root causes of violence against vampires. However, Dr. Acula remains resolute in his mission to protect his community from harm and discrimination.
As the debate rages on, one thing remains clear: the plight of vampires in modern society cannot be ignored. Whether it’s advocating for legislative change or challenging ingrained prejudices, Dr. Acula and VOTES are determined to fight for the rights and dignity of their fellow undead citizens.
Stan Dirkson
