ICELAND – In a land where fire and ice dance in the shadows of magnificent landscapes, Iceland is facing a unique crisis as a volcano on the Reykjanes Peninsula roars to life, endangering life and property, and even threatening a nearby nuclear power plant! In a hushed and unprecedented move, the Icelandic government is discreetly putting out a call for a virgin sacrifice to appease the volcano deity and quell the molten fury beneath.
Government officials, operating under the radar, have expressed the urgency of finding a willing candidate for the perilous task. While they hope for a volunteer, they are prepared to conscript an individual if the need arises. The dream candidate, according to insider sources, must be an Icelander by birth, a virgin, of sound mind, and willing to embark on a fiery descent into the lava pool below.
“If we find someone who meets all the criteria, it’s a win-win situation for Iceland,” said an anonymous government spokesperson. “Not only will we appease the volcano god, but we might just secure ourselves a bountiful harvest for the next few years. It’s like a two-for-one deal!”
However, recognizing the rarity of such a perfect sacrifice, officials are exploring alternative options. They are reportedly searching for Icelandic virgins who may be incapacitated in some way, whether in a coma, braindead, or even considering older clergy members who have had a good run and might be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good.
The controversial plan has sparked both intrigue and outrage among the international community, with many questioning the ethical implications of such a desperate measure. Some even go so far as to claim that there is no evidence that a virgin sacrifice would benefit the nation. However, the Icelandic government remains resolute in their belief that a virgin sacrifice is the key to stopping the volcanic eruption and ensuring the prosperity of their nation.
As the search for the sacrificial lamb continues, Icelanders are left on edge, wondering who will answer the call, willingly or otherwise, to face the molten heart of their restless volcano. Will this ancient ritual bring an end to the fiery chaos, or will it merely incinerate an innocent youth, or more preferable, an ugly old person.
Stan Dirkson
