This interview originally appeared on The Phil Factor
PACIFIC NORTHWEST – As I have delved further and further into the paranormal I’ve developed a legion of secretive contacts who know things that “normal” people don’t know. That is how I landed this exclusive interview with Bigfoot.
Me: Hello Mr. Foot and thank you for your time. Do you prefer to be called Bigfoot, Mr. Foot, or Sasquatch?
Bigfoot: Thanks for asking. You can call me Larry. I’m so over the Bigfoot thing. Would you want me repeatedly just referring to you as “human” throughout the interview? You know I’m not the only one, right? And by the way, Sasquatch is my Canadian cousin. He prefers to be called Mr. Squatch. He thinks it’s more dignified. At Thanksgiving he pulled that Mr. Squatch routine at dinner and I was like “Give me an effing break. You’re basically a talking bear that shits in the woods. Get over yourself!”
Me: I hope you’ll forgive me for this next question, but I know the audience will want to know. How big are your feet?
Larry (Bigfoot): I’m glad you asked. I feel like my whole race has been stereotyped. Yes, I do have size 12 feet, but not everyone of us is the same. My cousin “Mr. Squatch” (he used finger quotes and a sarcastic tone) says he’s a size 12 but he’s really only an 8 1/2. I know this for a fact and you know that old belief about shoe sizes? If someone catches him on a trail cam, take a look. He actually stomps around in the woods in Saskatchewan with big tennis racquet like things strapped to his feet so he can leave big tracks.
Me: So Larry, why do all of you live in the woods? You’re very well spoken, why not live amongst the humans?
Larry (with his eyes rolling, he throws his hands up in the air) “Are you kidding me? Have you met humans?”
Me: That’s a point well taken my friend. I’ve got another question that has frustrated humans all over the world. Why can’t anyone ever get a good picture of you?
Larry: You know, I’ve always wondered that too. Either people get so effing nervous when they see one of us that they nearly pee their pants, or we’ve just been lucky and ran into some really shitty photographers. Why the hell doesn’t Annie Leibowitz hit me up for a portrait? I’d sit for that. Annie, this is me giving you a shout out. Hit me up on the socials and we’ll get this done once and for all.
Me: Thanks again Mr. Foot, er, I mean Larry. I appreciate your time and candor. You’ve been a wonderful guest and you’re welcome back any time.
Larry Bigfoot: Thank you Phil. I appreciate you wanting to see the other side of us. (Then he leans over and in a low tone…) Hey Phil, if you ever get Taylor Swift in for an interview, can I join that? She’s already dating a sasquatch, but I think I might be a nice upgrade for her.
That was his walk-off and with a wink and finger guns he strode confidently into the woods and disappeared. Don’t worry Taylor, if you want an interview, me and Larry will be here waiting for you. Just don’t bring that Kelce clown.
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