MOUNT SHASTA – Solomon Mountbatten, a 33 Degree Mason and newly appointed ambassador to the surface at the Mount Shasta Consulate, has been kind enough to share his invaluable personal finance insights gleaned from his centuries-long experience. While he says that he holds humanity in contempt and craves the salty taste of baby blood on his forked tongue, he believes that an impoverished, destitute population does not favorably fit into the Reptilian plans. He sat down with The Reality Register to give a few personal finance tips for the average American.
Spend significantly less than you make:
“This is really the only rule you need, but I know the mammalian brain sometimes needs more specifics,” Mountbatten emphasizes the cardinal rule of personal finance: spending less than one earns. He states, “Ultimately, there are only two ways to make sure that your budget is in the black every month: spend less or make more, and preferably you should do both.” While reptilians like Mountbatten may not fret over budgeting due to their abundance of human slaves sending taxes, he stresses that this is the most important principle to abide by if you want to be a productive, happy human servant to the cold-blooded elite.
Avoid unnecessary debt:
With a lifespan spanning centuries, reptilian elites like Mountbatten can weather financial storms caused by debt. However, he cautions humans against falling into the debt trap, especially considering their relatively short lifespans. “A mortgage is ok, but you need to avoid tapping into your home equity for anything other than home improvements that will increase the value of your property,” he warns. “If you don’t own a home, that’s ok, but make sure you don’t end up with large loans on depreciating assets like cars, campers, boats, or underage slaves. They just lose value over time.”
Invest for the long term:
“You absolutely need to invest, and don’t sell at the first sign of trouble – you’re playing a long game. I invested in the US right before the Civil War, and all my friends told me to cut my losses and take what I could get. Instead, we got rid of that idiot Lincoln and went with the slow reform of Reconstruction, and now look at me! I personally own ten Senators and who knows how many Congressmen.” Mountbatten recommends investing in index funds or broad-based mutual funds for stability and urges investors not to panic during market downturns.
Buy Once, Cry Once:
Mountbatten emphasizes that sometimes, products are cheap for a very good reason, and you can save money in the long run by spending a little more upfront. “I bought a haunted amulet, a cheap one from a fortune teller in Romania, and it barely lasted 15 years. Then, I went to Transylvania and spent some real bullion with a famous dealer of antiquities there, and lo and behold, I still have it almost a century later, and it still curses like a charm. For you, it might be getting a name brand mixer like Bosch or Kitchenaid instead of some Hamilton Beach junk at Walmart, but really it goes for any purchase.”
Maintain Perspective on Money:
“Don’t let money rule your life, that’s what we’re here for. You’re here to give us your umbilical cord blood and foreskins when you’re born, and hopefully a fetus or two or maybe some donated plasma, most of which is sent right to the center of the Earth. Let us worry about the market at large. Just keep paying your taxes, contribute to your 401k, and drink your fluoridated water. It’s good for us.”
Solomon Mountbatten’s personal finance tips offer valuable insights derived from centuries of reptilian wisdom. Despite his contempt for humanity, Mountbatten’s advice underscores the importance of financial prudence and long-term planning for individuals striving for stability in an uncertain world. As Mountbatten aptly puts it, “While you may not be in our club, you don’t have to be broke.”
Stan Dirksomn
