Podcast bros are everywhere. On the train, in the stores, at the gym, and even walking down any given street at any given time, any particular person you encounter probably has a podcast, but not all ‘casts are created equal. There are podcasters that stand tall above the unlistenable masses, with cult-like followings and substantial incomes, but not all of them are quite what they seem. We’ve tracked down 5 legendary podcasters with dark secrets, including one who is actually a monkey—but it’s not who you think it is!
Podcasting, as a medium, is barely two decades old, and in that time it has transformed the mindless tasks that occupy most of our days from drudgery into something more like slightly entertaining or educational drudgery. The ability to pop in some unobtrusive headphones and listen to a middling stand-up comedian, a failed stand-up comedian, or a disgraced stand-up comedian has proven to have no deleterious impact at all on the ability of drivers to operate vehicles, menial workers to execute their demeaning tasks, or amateur athletes to go through the motions of working out. Simply put—podcasting is a great way to keep the empty mind from wandering while doing mindless work.
With that in mind, you will likely be shocked to learn a few facts about these beloved podcasters, who have spent more time putting thoughts into your head than any teacher.
Joe Rogan
Let’s get this one out of the way right now, Joe’s not a monkey. Sure, he’s short, oddly wrinkled, and frighteningly jacked, but that’s just because he’s an Italian on steroids. It turns out that Rogan actually works as a stand-up comedian and has somehow managed to sell out arenas with his stilted, unfunny brand of observational comedy. While his interview skills are unassailable and his ability to bring in an eclectic menagerie of guests is unparalleled, his truly cringeworthy efforts at comedy seem to indicate that he’s not so sure about this podcasting thing, and most observers think that he should stick to talking to some of the most interesting crackpots on the planet and let the funny people tell the jokes.
Lex Fridman
At first glance, Lex seems like the perfect podcaster. Some sort of MIT robot genius with an interest in the softer side of life, this ridiculously pale podcaster seems to be talking his way through a late development as a human being and learning how to live, laugh, and love like a real boy. However, a cursory glance through his history shows that he’s actually Russian, and that’s the most evil ethnicity you can be. Our inside sources in the East tell us that Fridman is a KGB android programmed to gain the trust of Americans in order to make them buy ineffective supplements.
Marc Maron
The host of the WTF podcast, Maron is another stand-up comedian who never quite made it on his own talents, and has one of the most listened-to, longest-running podcasts in the game. It’s not clear why his listeners like him, but after he scored an interview with sitting President B. Hussein Obama, he proved that he had some serious connections in powerful places. While the interview itself was a bore, as two of the least interesting personalities on the planet went back and forth for what seemed like an eternity, it became clear that he had dirt on someone. After a little digging, we discovered that Maron had acted as Jeffrey Epstein’s understudy, and has been able to maintain his relevance due to sexual blackmail even though he has no discernible talent or charisma.
Adam Carolla
Many associate Adam Carolla’s fame with work he did early in his career. Whether you know him from MTV’s Loveline or The Man Show, he was well established before creating the Adam Carolla Show podcast in 2009, so putting him on this list may seem like a bit of a cop out. But did you know that the Adam Carolla Show became the Guiness Book of World Records holder for most downloaded podcast in 2011? This one factoid establishes him as an accomplished podcaster, and again, one with a dark secret hidden in plain site. While everyone can agree that Carolla looks like a chimpanzee, only those closest to him know that he actually is one. Of course, chimpanzees are members of the great ape family and are not monkeys. So while Adam’s secret may seem surprising, he is not the monkey podcaster in question…
Aaron Mahnke
Lore is a folklore podcast that explores true and exaggerated stories from the past in a soothing, barely spooky way, and is probably the highest quality show on this entire list. Utterly bingeable, it spawned an HBO series that pretty much nobody has seen, and Aaron Mahnke’s vulnerable, borderline surprised delivery never fails to draw listeners into the narrative. Mahnke, unfortunately, is actually a monkey. A precocious capuchin monkey, the man now known as Mahnke learned the ropes from a zookeeper who really liked listening to public radio while shoveling monkey poop from the enclosure. After his escape, this monkey quickly began uploading shows to iTunes, and autocorrect changed “A Monkey” to “Aaron Mahnke,” and a star was born. Mahnke now spends his time posting awful takes on Threads, a terrible social media site intended to steal market share from Twitter, another terrible social media site.
In the ever-evolving world of podcasting, it’s clear that not everything is as it appears. From comedians with questionable talents to androids with dubious origins, the truth behind some of the most popular podcasters is stranger than fiction. As you tune in to your favorite shows, remember that the voices guiding you through your day might just have secrets of their own. Keep your ears open and stay curious—because in the realm of podcasts, reality is often more bizarre than any story they tell.
Stan Dirkson
