So, there I was, minding my own business, enjoying the blissful freedom of letting one rip without any concern for consequences when BAM! The EPA dropped a bomb on my beloved bodily function – a methane tax. Yes, you heard it right, a tax on farts. And let me tell you, it stinks more than the methane itself.
The EPA’s latest move imposes a whopping $900 fee on every ton of methane emissions. As someone who is no stranger to flatulence, I did a quick mental calculation and realized that my weekly methane output could potentially cost me more than a month’s rent. Outrageous, right? Here are five reasons why this methane tax is just downright Un-American.
- The Fee is Astronomical: Let’s face it; we all contribute to the grand symphony of methane emissions on a daily basis. By my estimation, the average person releases around five tons of methane waste every month. With a $900 fee per ton, that’s a staggering $4,500 monthly fart bill! I mean, talk about overestimating the value of hot air.
- Monitoring and Measuring Farts: Now, how exactly does the EPA plan to monitor and measure our methane emissions? Are they going to equip every citizen with a personal fart tracker? The logistical nightmare and the potential costs to taxpayers are mind-boggling. Imagine the government investing in high-tech fart surveillance instead of, say, fixing potholes or improving public education.
- Government Overreach: This methane tax feels like a breach of the most intimate bodily autonomy. Allowing the government to regulate and control what comes out of our bodies is a slippery slope. What’s next? A tax on the number of breaths we take or a fee for blinking too much? It’s a dangerous precedent that encroaches on our personal freedom, and quite frankly, it reeks of overreach.
- Farts Are Supposed to Be Funny: Traditionally, farts are sources of comedic relief. Picture a world where everyone walks around with clenched buttocks, desperately trying to hold in their laughter-inducing emissions. It’s a dull and humorless existence. Besides, haven’t we all bonded over a well-timed fart joke? Turning our collective gas-passing into a financial burden is not only unfunny but downright tragic.
- Disproportionate Impact on the Poor: Let’s talk about the elephant in the room – or should I say, the economic burden on the less fortunate. The methane tax disproportionately targets the poor, who often rely on gas-causing foods due to their affordability. It’s a slap in the face to those already struggling to make ends meet. The rich might be able to afford this flatulence fine, but for many, it’s a financial squeeze they can ill afford.
In conclusion, this EPA methane tax is a real stinker. It’s high, impractical, infringing on personal liberties, takes the fun out of life, and unfairly burdens the less fortunate. So, let’s not let the government turn our natural bodily functions into a financial fart-astrophe. While the EPA might want to tax our methane, I say let’s not let them take all the gas out of our wallets.
Hiram Glassman
