As many of you know, I’ve been training for an upcoming fight with another writer here at The Reality Register, and so far, my efforts have not yielded the results that I wanted. Suddenly, I had an epiphany, who are the greatest fighters in history? Superheroes, that’s who. So, I’ve embarked on a daring quest to gain powers beyond mortal comprehension, inspired by the heroes of comic books and movies. Spoiler alert: it hasn’t gone as planned. Here are five attempts, and where they went horribly wrong:
- Spider-Man’s Bite:
The plan seemed foolproof: buy a tarantula, irradiate it in the microwave, and let it sink its fangs into me. Unfortunately, my first attempt resulted in a crispy arachnid and a trip back to the pet store. The second tarantula survived the microwave, and was seemingly very angry about it, as it bit me quite a few times. I was excited at the multiple bites, as I thought it may lead to stronger powers, but so far, they have just left me with a few festering wounds that shows no signs of granting me Spidey senses and are growing worse by the day. Lesson learned: radioactive spiders aren’t as cooperative as they appear in comic books.
- Daredevil’s Blinding Gaze:
To channel the sightless hero Daredevil, I stared directly at the sun for hours on end. The result? A severe case blindness that I hope is temporary. A friend of mine has been sitting with me at the side of a highway with a pair of binoculars, looking for trucks with hazard placards. Despite my efforts, not a single collision occurred, leaving me with nothing but a sunburn and bruised ego. Maybe I should have started with a blindfold instead.
- The Hulk’s Nuclear Experiment:
Dreaming of boundless strength and invulnerability, I set my sights on replicating the Hulk’s gamma radiation-induced transformation. Alas, finding a nuclear test site proved more challenging than anticipated. The risks of radiation exposure and, well, legality, seem rather daunting, but gaining the powers of The Hulk would be well worth the effort. My fingers remain crossed, but my hopes are dwindling faster than Bruce Banner’s temper.
- Captain America’s Serum:
In a misguided attempt to become the pinnacle of human potential, I volunteered for experimental vaccines akin to those administered to Captain America. Instead of enhanced physical prowess, I received a diagnosis of myocarditis and a hefty medical bill. Turns out, super-soldier serums may just be limited to the realm of fiction.
- Falcon’s Flight:
Crafting wings from a plastic polymer meant for real estate signs, I aimed to soar through the skies like Falcon. Unfortunately, my maiden flight ended with a crash landing and a one-way trip to the hospital. Broken bones aside, I can confidently confirm that human flight is much harder to achieve than anticipated. Once I’m healed up, I can’t wait to try this one again with a few tweaks I’ve made to my prototype.
In conclusion, gaining superpowers is far more challenging than the glossy pages of comic books and the silver screen would have you believe. While my journey may have been riddled with setbacks and shattered dreams, my resolve remains unwavering. Despite the bruises, burns, and broken bones, I’m determined to continue my quest for extraordinary abilities.
So, to all aspiring superheroes out there, heed my cautionary tale: be prepared for disappointment, setbacks, and hospital bills. But don’t let that deter you. After all, the pursuit of greatness is a journey filled with trials and tribulations. And who knows? Perhaps one day, against all odds, we’ll emerge victorious, with powers beyond our wildest dreams.
Until then, I’ll be here, nursing my wounds and plotting my next attempt. After all, as they say, if at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Who knows? Maybe one day, I’ll be writing these articles from the comfort of my own super lair.
Hiram Glassman
