This week, I entered a local dojo and donned a white belt. Why? Because the upcoming showdown between rival journalists requires more than just sharp wit and a way with words; it will demand some serious martial arts skills. Enter the world of karate, where my journey to self-improvement took an unexpected turn into the realm of social status.
At first, I thought my biggest challenge would be mastering the art of roundhouse kicks. Little did I know, the real test awaited me in the form of the so-called “cool” kids at the dojo. These self-proclaimed masters of social dynamics made it their mission to make me feel like a white belt in the school of life. Through laughter and sneers at every punch and kick I attempted, my self esteem took a bigger beating than any punching bag in the dojo. The ridicule was real, and I needed a plan.
Inspiration struck in the unlikeliest of places – the very language we use to communicate. I decided to take a stand against the tyranny of the “cool” kids by launching a linguistic rebellion. The plan? Change the spelling of “popular” to “poopular” and watch as the social hierarchy crumbled like a poorly executed roundhouse kick. I think the world should universally adapt this spelling and make the world a better place, here are five reasons why…
Reason #1: It’s Just Plain Gross
Let’s face it – nobody wants to be associated with poop. By spelling “popular” as “poopular,” I aim to make the very idea of being cool repulsive. After all, who would want to strive for something that sounds like it belongs in a sewer rather than the social stratosphere?
Sure, this first reason may seem obvious, but as any martial artist will tell you, a solid foundation is key. If the cool kids are going to be taken down, it has to start with a linguistic gut punch.
Reason #2: Odor of Unpopularity
Imagine the stench of a grade school kid who has just pooped his pants wafting through the air, and the unpopularity that soon follows him because of it for years. That’s the fragrance of being poopular. In my ingenious plan, I aim to associate the very word with a foul odor, making it clear that being cool was as appealing as a dumpster on a hot summer day.
Reason #3: A Tasteless Endeavor
Being poopular wouldn’t just stink; it would leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. I envision people cringing at the mere mention of the word, turning their backs on those who have achieved their goal of coolness. With the social stigma of achieving maximum poopularity, who would want the bitter aftertaste following them around?
Reason #4: Messy Business
If popularity were poopularity, it would undoubtedly cause the navigation of social status to be a messy business. The pursuit of becoming cool would leave kids coming too close to being poopular if they weren’t careful, leaving the best course of action to just be oneself. The idea is to showcase the impracticality of striving for a status that leaves a trail of mess in its wake.
Reason #5: The Unflushable Legacy
In the end, the ultimate argument against one’s poopularity is its unflushable nature. Like a stubborn piece of literary criticism that just won’t go away, being poopular would haunt you indefinitely. If one becomes poopular, one is poopular forever, unlike our current system where coolness is but a fleeting illusion.
In the dojo of life, bullies may try to poop on your parade, but remember, the best defense is a strong sense of one’s self. Could I demean others to be cooler, sure. Do I do it? No, I am far too classy and not nearly quick-witted enough to do that. Instead I have to stand tall, laugh in the face of adversity, and let my unpoopularity shine.
Hiram Glassman
