NEW ORLEANS, Lou. – It’s been a long year for former college football star The Wendigo. The talented Right Guard from the Devil Lake College of Mining and Thaumaturgy was hyped as a first round draft prospect. But even with so many teams needing Offensive Line help, Wendigo wasn’t drafted at all. Some close to Wendigo blame anti-furry bigotry, but between his mind control powers and mastery of the North Wind, sports books were nervous that he would bring an unstable element to betting lines. As gambling goes, so goes the NFL, and Wendigo got blackballed.
After the draft, Wendigo fled to his native Canada, leaving a wake of mayhem behind him. He eventually signed with the Saskatchewan Roughriders for the start of their 2024 season.
Fleeing to Canada, Fleeing From Canada
The CFL rules seemed well suited to Wendigo’s explosive style. He led the struggling Roughriders to a 7-9-1 start through the first seventeen games. But everything was about to change in Game 18 versus their rivals, the Edmonton Elks.
October 5th was a beautiful, clear day in Edmonton, with a high of 13°C and very little wind. The first quarter saw only a single, useless Canadian point scored, but by the half the Roughriders had taken the lead, 18-14.
In the bottom of the 3rd, Roughriders QB Trevor Harris dropped back to pass but was immediately hurried by DT Shawn Oakman. Wendigo had clearly missed his assignment. The events that followed were not nearly as clear.
Many of the 50,000 in attendance recall seeing a haze of frozen mist descend over Commonwealth Stadium as Harris took a sack. Long shadows grew from the dumb goalposts stuck right in the front of the endzones, like they were cast by withered branches from haunted trees. The Molson froze in the taps.
“Out of the mist I saw the form of my ancestor, skinless and wrathful,” recalled Jarious Jackson, interim Head Coach of the Elks following the Week 5 firing of Chris Jones. “He stared at me with blood in his eyes, telling me that I had dishonored the dead. I immediately called a time out.”
Four hundred and twelve players, fans and facility staff were violently exploded in the incident, with scores more maimed and mutilated. One witness described the scene as, “…like playing NFL Blitz 2000, but everything was Bill Romanowski…all the other players, the turf, the sky, the announcer…they were picking up teeth for a week!”
In the final score, the Roughriders defeated the Elks 28-24, making the playoffs.
The team did not answer questions about the mass murder incident in post game press, but the Wendigo was not on the field Week 19 at Home against the BC Lions. Most assumed he retreated to the primordial forest, retiring from the field.
From The Queen City to The Big Easy
It’s a mystery how The Wendigo made his way to New Orleans in the run up to the Big Game (February 9th on FOX), as he is not known to have a valid passport. Regardless, the former College Football and CFL star was seen at many press events and on Media Row, even giving an interview to SiriusXM’s Scott Ferrall which listeners described as, “The sound of sandpaper rubbing against worse sandpaper.”
Wendigo fumbled away his luck on Friday night. After a star-studded dinner at the famous Commander’s Palace, celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse took Wendigo to his car to share one of Lagasse’s homemade cocktails: “The Fall River-NOLA Connection”. Inside a 64-oz Thermos was a mixture of rye whiskey, Gran Marnier, iced tea, beer, Autocrat Coffee Milk Syrup, and Chef Paul Prudhomme’s Meat Magic seasoning.
Before Wendigo could even take a sip, New Orleans PD had surrounded the 1998 Toyota Tercel, arresting The Wendigo and the man he thought was Emeril.
Both men are being held in a Parish Jail until a judge can get around to hearing the case.
David Lavender
🍸The Fall River-NOLA Connection🍸
6 oz. Canadian Club
2 oz. Gran Marnier
22 oz. Arizona Iced Tea with Ginseng
1 Bud Heavy Tall Boy
10 squirts Autocrat Coffee Milk Stuff
2 shakes Chef Paul Prudhomme’s Meat Magic
Heat all ingredients except whiskey in large saucepan until boiling.
Heat whiskey in small saucepan until barely warm and add to the rest of the hooch.
Put in a big Thermos and then inside your jacket or pants.
