Bonjour, quoi de neuf! Allow me to introduce myself. I am Lady Bacon (pr. Lay-dee Bah-Cohn.) I was raised as the seventh daughter of a seer and a contortionist in the idyllic French countryside. I am a seventh-generation psychic of the spiritual order of ECK (Energo-Chromo-Kinese.) My sisters are also gifted in the psychic arts, but I am the most talented. They seethe in jealousy over my mastery!
I discovered my gifts at the age of 13 when I began having terrible nightmares. The dreams were of creatures so terrifying I would hide under my bed trembling and weeping hysterically. At three in the morning, their faces would slowly appear. Over time they physically manifested. These were no longer dreams! Night after night, they used their claws and teeth to torment me through the witching hour. Horrible terror!
My young mind could not comprehend these vicious beasts. I cried out for help. Two beautiful and luminescent beings suddenly appeared before me. Their energy was peaceful and comforting. They told me their names were La’La-Ra and Fa’ith-Ra. They had come to sort out my confusion.
Years have passed since those days of fear. On January 1, 2024, again at three in the morning, my guides called my name. They told me to grab a notebook and pen, close my eyes, and write. Hours passed. My hands were cramped and my fingers were left temporarily mangled. My mind was strangely refreshed. Upon opening my eyes, the trial of beasts was made clear. Before me lay an astrology system never seen before – The Cryptid Zodiac.
I was perplexed. I asked my guides what this could mean. La’La-Ra spoke first, ”Give these to the people so they may better understand.” Understand? What? Who? I thought, not comprehending.
Fai’th-Ra, reading my mind, continued where La’La-Ra left off, “The people need to know themselves. Through these signs, they will learn.” It became abundantly clear that I must share these cryptid guides with you.
Thus, began a search for a special venue to share the teachings of the ancients. A series of serendipitous events introduced me to the wise, fact-driven staff at The Reality Register. I am honored to present this system on this platform. May all who read receivethe truth and learn!
Due to the strangeness of the Cryptid Zodiac system, you will need a brief
explanation of its use. First, There are 13 signs in this system. This contrasts with Western Astrology, which only has 12. Have no fear of the number 13. It is the luckiest number – ripe with spiritual significance and the wisdom of the ages.
Next, you must understand the dates cryptids align with the most. Much like in Western Astrology, you choose your birthday as a starting point. Lastly, read your flawless and completely accurate horoscope. Use your best judgment as to how you will interpret these and apply them to your week. All astrology should be taken from a mindset of entertainment. This does not render the information invalid! Great wisdom often lies in the chuckles and guffaws of our sad and pathetic lives!
If, for some reason, you dislike your horoscope, I recommend you read the other signs to see which you relate to on a deeper level. What is a birthday but a date anyway? Energy has no birthday! Are we not simply vibrations in a physical world?
Now, to the signs and their meanings…
The 13 Signs of the Cryptid Zodiac:
The Grey
January 1 – January 29
Element: Ether
Characteristics: The Grey is an ambitious type with an active mind. In the pursuit of knowledge and control, they often take off for adventures through space. Fearlessly, they land in unfamiliar locations and take samples from the biological specimens they encounter – plant or otherwise. They are good-natured and come across as friendly and helpful. When homesick, they can become self-seeking and even lean toward selfishness.
Soul Challenge: Learn to help humans from a genuine place within you.
Etsai
January 30 – February 27
Element: Earth
Characteristics: Etsai is more than a strong-minded bull. They are open-minded enough to shift to fit the needs of their realm. They love holidays and children and are thoughtful gift-givers. They are fiercely protective of their family and will bring justice to those who harm others. Still, when Etsai is on a rampage, it is to our benefit to stay inside and let him rage alone.
Soul Challenge: Learn to control your temper.
Doppelgänger
February 28 – March 27
Element: Air
Characteristics: Doppelgänger, you are one of the most confusing signs of the zodiac. You flit from here to there in mind and deed. This tendency toward erratic behavior can be confusing to your employers and other acquaintances. However, your loved ones are appreciative of the concern you show them as you are consistently loving and playful. You are an intellectual powerhouse and it often seems you have two minds continuously processing information.
Soul Challenge: Try to follow through on your plans.
Sandwalker
March 28 – April 25
Element: Water
Characteristics: Between your bird-like facial features and your stinging tail, you are one of the most fashionable signs. You may work a job at night or be more naturally inclined toward being a night owl. You prefer to work with your mind, but you are no slouch with handicrafts. You may take on two or three projects at once. You are comfortable in the sand or the waves. A less favorable trait could be following the crowds and getting caught up in fleeting trends.
Soul Challenge: Ask yourself: What do I think?
Sasquatch
April 26 – May 24
Element: Earth
Characteristics: As one of the most popular and well-known cryptids of the zodiac, you may feel like you lack privacy or moments of internal reflection. But, all Sassies need a little time to themselves to think their own thoughts, do they not? You can be health-conscious and prefer light meals of twigs, fish, and berries. You can be frighteningly territorial. Unfortunately, when stressed, you can be a know-it-all or critical, which may affect your relationships with loved ones.
Soul Challenge: Learn to share the forest.
Chupacabra
May 25 – June 22
Element: Air
Characteristics: You are a natural diplomat and try to see both sides in all situations. You are consistently fair in your dealings with others. Even in the case of goats (a natural enemy), you try to withhold judgment until all facts are presented. Even so, your desire to consume can override your logic. Occasionally, loved ones may find you hard to tie down. Making plans can be challenging and holidays are often lonely for them.
Soul Challenge: Learn to see goats as individuals with thoughts, flaws, and feelings of their own.
Lusca
June 23 – July 21
Element: Water
Characteristics: Lucious, Lusca. You are one of the sexist signs in the zodiac. Between your silky tentacles and steely gaze, who could resist your charms? You are quick to love and just as quick to fight. Woe to anyone who crosses your path on a bad day! You can be mean when hungry or when short of cash. Just as you are quick to fall for a new love, you are equally as quick to turn on someone who jilts you.
Soul Challenge: Try not to take it so hard when someone breaks up with you. There are plenty of other fish in the blue hole.
Centaur
July 22 – August 19
Element: Fire
Characteristics: Always looking out for your buds, you are one of the friendliest signs. Your friends feel lucky to know someone who will always have their back – whether it be in battle or just chilling at the bar and grill. You prefer to keep an open mind because you never know what you might learn from someone else. On the downside, when faced with a tasty specimen of your preference, you can be a bit of a player. You also trot off during planned events, leaving your friends to wonder what happened to you.
Soul Challenge: You need to learn to reign yourself in a bit.
Goatman
August 20 – September 17
Element: Earth
Characteristics: Goaty, you make everyone laugh in all the right ways. You have jokes upon jokes. When you are serious, you can easily switch into work mode, buckling down into the work of the day. Your friends, family, and employers know they can rely on you. When things are not going your way, it is a whole other story: Goatman becomes frustrated easily. Critical and cranky, you find fault with everything. After a while, you may even shut off completely and go cold on people.
Soul Challenge: Learn to let the small things go.
Frogman
September 18 – October 16
Element: Air
Characteristics: You are one of the most creative signs of the zodiac. You have endless ideas and boundless energy. You love and enjoy your freedom. Your ability to compartmentalize your life has lead to a balance between being social and solitary. Your love of travel may make it hard for friends to get in touch with you.
Soul Challenge: Use your magic wand to check in with your friends regularly.
The Loch Ness Monster
October 17 – November 7
Element: Water
Characteristics: Nessie, you are the second most well-known of the cryptids in the zodiac. To your credit, you have managed to keep the fame from going to your head. Your creativity with seaweed will bring artistic renown. You are a loving parent, but may only have a single child. All of these positive traits are in no way a testament to your perfection, though you are hitting it close. You have flaws like all of us, sweet thing. You can be quite moody, especially when you feel your territory is being exploited. You can also cut off affection at the slightest sense of
mistrust.
Soul Challenge: Try to share your space more often.
Beast of Exmoor
November 8 – December 6
Element: Fire
Characteristics: Family-oriented, you are a fierce protector of your offspring. You walk bravely and fearlessly alone, knowing you need no one but yourself to rely upon. Others see you as sultry and attractive. Fashion designers and hair stylists wish they could capture your very essence and sell it. On the flip side, you know how beautiful you are. You may be judgmental and at times even snobby.
Soul Challenge: Learn to see the beauty in others. Though it may not match your magnificence, it still exists in its incredibly small way.
Mermaid/Merman
December 7 – December 31
Element: Water
Characteristics: Though you have the fewest days in the zodiac, you have been blessed by Poseidon with the biggest personality. You love to ride the waves with your posse, having deep intellectual discussions, and playing with the dolphins. You love fun, but you also love to talk about your feelings with those you know best. One flaw you have is not taking anything seriously enough. This can render you ineffective when it comes to chasing your dreams. It also gets sailors in trouble, as they do not always see your playfulness in the helpful way you intend. Soul Challenge: Learn to distinguish between work and play.
Your Weekly Horoscope
with Lady Bacon
The Grey January 1 – January 29:
You may be feeling a little rundown this week. Traversing the ether and collecting specimens can be exhausting. Pour yourself a martini, a warm bubble bath, and give yourself a restorative soak.
Etsai January 30 – February 27:
Between griping family members and that butt-kisser at work, this will be a challenging week for you. You may feel like you’re scraping your majestic horns against the confines of your home and cubicle.
Doppelgänger February 28 – March 27:
You may feel a bit lost this week. Only you can determine where you and your evil twin belong.
Sandwalker March 28 – April 25:
Relationships are going to be rough this week. If they aren’t giving you their all let the last sounds they hear be your claws snapping shut – on a new fish as you sink back into the sea.
Sasquatch April 26 – May 24:
This week you may feel like an imposter. Your expectations of yourself are far too high.
Chupacabra May 25 – June 22:
Much like the goat meat stuck in your teeth and your ravaged reputation, life can kind of suck. Don’t forget who you are in the midst of turmoil.
Lusca June 23 – July 21:
Passionate love master, Mars is influencing your anger this week. Hold off trying to find a mate until it moves out of your house of emotion in a few weeks.
Centaur July 22 – August 19:
Stop sticking your friends with the bill. Your flightiness is ruining your relationships.
Goatman August 20 – September 17:
While it may be fun to make light of life’s tragedies, it might behoove you to pull back a bit. Take a look within to find a serious spirit this week.
Frogman September 18 – October 16:
Long time, no see. Use your magic wand to contact a friend this week.
The Loch Ness Monster October 17 – November 7:
Come forth, Aquatic Goddess! Show, don’t tell this week, Nessie Girl!
Beast of Exmoor November 8 – December 6:
It’s all “hmph,” but a cat has to eat. Ride out the boredom until fun times return.
Mermaid December 7 – December 31:
Riding the waves should be a blast this week. You’re at the top of your element.
Note: Mermen should reverse the reading.
