Salut, les amis! My faithful Guides have returned! Oh, great ones, Fai’th-Ra and La’La-Ra, what
words of wisdom do you bring? Let Fai’th-Ra speak: We bring you predictions for each sign to
last you through the rest of the year. Heed our warnings and advice, ye of hairless body and
weak mind!
The Grey January 1 – January 29:
You will meet a beautiful French blonde while battling in the Perseids. Having already
discovered she is a Grey, you will merge force fields and souls.
Etsai January 30 – February 27:
The end of the year finds you dreaming of wealth so abundant that you will whine about not
being able to spend it all. You will contemplate starting up a charity, getting into real estate,
and other means to grow and utilize money.
Doppelgänger February 28 – March 27:
By the end of the year, you decide to break ties with your evil twin. You have had it with being
blamed for all the trouble they cause. It is about time!
Sandwalker March 28 – April 25:
Get up in the claw about a new social movement. You will become the leader by the Earth’s
Perihelion. Try to remember the cause and keep yourself level-headed.
Sasquatch April 26 – May 24:
You have been contemplating your future quite a bit over the past few months. By the end of
November you have formed a clear plan that will lead you to a new way of life.
Chupacabra May 25 – June 22:
Unfazed by the goat rebellion of October, you continue stalking the pastures and fields for
delicious meat. By the election, you open two new restaurants in honor of Mama Chupa. You
know, she did make the best goats head soup in the world!
Lusca June 23 – July 21:
You find yourself more fed up with the political situation in your country. By year’s end, you hit
the campaign trail to push a third-party. Your ability to cuddle babies and smile make you a hit
with single parents.
Centaur July 22 – August 19:
By the end of September you throw off the nerd glasses and pick up the bottle. One addiction
leads to the next before you are interviewed on one of those YouTube channels about street
people. This is your warning to heed, my half-horse friend!
Goatman August 20 – September 17:
Fed up with goat oppression by the evil mastermind Chupa, you rush to the streets in herds,
eating your way through decorative city vegetation. No azalea bush is safe! One way or
another, Goat will be heard!
Frogman September 18 – October 16:
Once the world discovers your lair, disappointment follows. The people needed a man-frog.
Instead, they got a mutant lizard with a missing tail. Can you handle the return to anonymity?
The Loch Ness Monster October 17 – November 7:
Being running mate to Crabby sits poorly on such a majestic cryptid. In late October you
become leader of a small, but loud, movement of crustaceans. You soon grow tired of their
rambling speeches and complaints about injustice. In a rage, you consume them all over a bed
of kelp, chased by an aspic of salmon.
Beast of Exmoor November 8 – December 6:
By the Blue Sturgeon Moon on August 19, you have restructured most of your life. You will no
longer be satisfied to perch in windows. Instead, you take to the Moors in search of
excitement.
Mermaid December 7 – December 31:
You have collected so many shiny objects and galleon treasures that you may choose to open
a jewelry or curio business. This venture will be slow growing, but once it takes off it will be a
smash! Minor celebrities will come from around the world to sail their yachts in your waterways.
Thank you to my loving Guides, La’La-Ra and Fai’th-Ra. May the light of the heavens and the
wisdom of Eck keep us and drive us toward our full spiritual potential. My Guides have spoken!
Love to all!
Lady Bacon
