Salut, les amis! Before we get into this week’s horoscopes, let me express a sincere apology for my absence last week. I was pulled away to psychically battle the Greys of Celestia, a completely true and absolutely non-fabricated planet in the outer reaches of space. Celestia is only open to the truly powerful psychics like myself, not undateable Incel “psychics” like Pstephen Cromwell. After the endless DMs, texts, half-deceased flower deliveries, and odorous packages of who-knows-what that ended up directly in the trash, one has to wonder about the audacity of some people! Luckily, my psychic powers are so amazing, I was able to disperse his ions to the furthest reaches of space with barely a thought. Cromwell should be no bother for a minimum of four months. Be gone, ye! Good riddance!
The Grey January 1 – January 29:
Last week was a blast. I hope we can rage battle again. I must admit, you looked dashing in your silver soldier’s uniform. You were shiny in all the right places, if you catch my drift. I will always beat you – this is a given. Still, I cannot deny there are moments I wonder why it has to be this way. Sigh.
Etsai January 30 – February 27:
Etsai has been feeling a bit off for a while. There is that old state of limerence rearing its ugly head again. Maybe it is not the worst thing that can happen, my friend. Take a moment to examine it: What makes them so special? You may find the feelings you have are more about yourself than they are about anyone else.
Doppelgänger February 28 – March 27:
The Evil Twin Convention (ETC) is going on in most major cities this week. I guess we can
assume yours will be there. Like it or not, there is a place for everyone in our universe.
Sandwalker March 28 – April 25:
Getting ready to bail, lovey? I see those cute little feet getting ready to move on down the way. One thing no one will ever say about you is that you never knew when to quit.
Sasquatch April 26 – May 24:
One word: Breadcrumb. That is all they can offer you right now. It may seem like they are half in and half out. The truth is they were always out. Let your intuition and feelings guide you through this.
Chupacabra May 25 – June 22:
Someone has to say it: You have been a bit of a jerk to your loved ones recently. You need to take a solo trip and give them space before they walk out.
Lusca June 23 – July 21:
Hey! Get those slimy tentacles off me! Consent is key, you freak. I know you are entering the Bi-Yearly Rut but come on. I prefer my own species, thank you very much!
Centaur July 22 – August 19:
You kind of took one for the team last week. Rejected, getting no numbers so your dweeb
friend could try to get a date – you have sacrificed enough. At a minimum, you should call on that loser to help you paint your living room or something. They owe you. Big.
Goatman August 20 – September 17:
Can I ask you something? Ok. Here goes. I was wondering if you…well…you know…Alright, I will just say it. Have you lost weight recently? New skin care routine? What have you been doing to yourself? Either the effect of my celestial battle is still illuminating my brain waves or there is something magnetic about you. There is a wink in my eye just for you.
Frogman September 18 – October 16:
Pay attention to shadows and patterns as Froggy makes an appearance at a social event (with a date!!) this week. Your best chance of spotting him is behind a minor celebrity like Kim Kardashian or Harry Styles. He is also attracted to sex symbols like 1960s folk singer, Joan Baez. But, never mind all of that bogus nonsense, the question everybody wants answered: Will he buy her flowers or cheap out?
The Loch Ness Monster October 17 – November 7:
You have always wondered what it would be like to be a sky dweller. This week a mysterious figure with a magical fungus appears and allows you to give it a shot. Ride easy, Nessie.
Beast of Exmoor November 8 – December 6:
You could be the poster child for the anti-catnip coalition. Saying no may work for some, but your needs run deeper than that. It only lasts a few seconds anyway. Best to redip the nip when the effects wear off. With luck, you could fly through the whole week carefree and happy.
Mermaid December 7 – December 31:
You are back to your old flirty self. Cromwell’s fat shaming hurt your feelings a bit last week. Let it go, babes. He was hating on everyone. Besides, you are only the sexiest water critter in the world. Manatee, dolphin, or siren – no matter. Just be you.
May the energies of this week bring you self-reflection and deeper thoughts. You can all rest easy knowing the Greys are under control and far from Earth. Our victory will be swift and casualties few.
Viva la résistance!
Lady Bacon
