Salut, les amis! Things are really heating up out there! Some of our cryptid friends tolerate the heat better than others. Whether you love it or not, remember to stay hydrated and keep positive thoughts in your minds.
The Grey January 1 – January 29:
Grey, you have a family, remember? It would be a good time to drop in on them and remind them you still walk among the living.
Etsai January 30 – February 27:
Stomping through the tulips may be fun for you, but consider the gardener. Heck. Consider the tulips. How do they feel about all this hoof action? Think about others every once in a while, you big oaf.
Doppelgänger February 28 – March 27:
Time apart is what you both need this week. Get out in the country for a bit. Take in a scenic drive. Try out a new restaurant. You can live very well without each other, you know.
Sandwalker March 28 – April 25:
You have been scratching up the wrong beach, little buddy. It is time to put those gams to work and skip off down the way to a sandier dune.
Sasquatch April 26 – May 24:
You were a bit over the top on your date last night. I know you are lonely, but reign it in a little. Last I heard, the mermaids had nicknamed you “handsy squatch.”
Chupacabra May 25 – June 22:
I have a task for you: Find that annoying Doppelgänger that keeps blowing up my DMs and take a bite out of him. If he thinks his lame fortune-telling skills can win against mine, he has another thing coming!
Lusca June 23 – July 21:
Wipe that tear, Lusca. It is only a dry spell. You will get your mojo back any day now.
Centaur July 22 – August 19:
If you were a famous musician you would probably be a sexy one. Unfortunately, all the sexy ones died by the age of twenty-seven, so I guess that would be bad for you. No fear. In the world we have created, even the dead are hotties.
Goatman August 20 – September 17:
This week in The Goatman Chronicles headlines read: Goatman loses big at the casino. Turns tricks for bus fare. How did you sink so low, Goaty?
Frogman September 18 – October 16:
Froggy has disappeared again. If you keep doing this, I will refuse to write a horoscope for you EVER again! Take that, you green jerk. P.S. I still think you are cute. Kinda. I might be available Saturday night if you pop up again.
The Loch Ness Monster October 17 – November 7:
The mermaids and I were in each others DMs last night. It seems a certain ‘tid by the name Ogopogo has expressed an interest in forming a long distance relationship with you. Text me if you are interested.
Beast of Exmoor November 8 – December 6:
Kitties love to leap about on warm nights, chasing bugs or what have you. A nap in a sunbeam during the day cannot be beat, either. These Summer days were made for you, precious creature.
Mermaid December 7 – December 31:
I thought I told you all to stop your meddling! But, here you go – setting up dates, spreading rumors, gossiping. Do you not have anything better to do?
Enjoy the lovely weather. May your week be filled with enjoyable activities and rolling good times.
Love to all!
Lady Bacon
