Salut, les amis! Venus is leaving a trail of broken hearts through the signs of Chupacabra and Lusca this week. Those signs in particular should do all they can to either hold on to the love they already have, or hide until the Venusian influence finds another victim. Most signs will feel her ravenous effects on their love lives. No one is safe from that pearly-white tramp!
The Grey January 1 – January 29:
Looks like you finally did it. How does freedom feel now that your life looks like a bad country-western song? Tell the truth: Did they get to take the truck, house, and the dog or did they just run off with the mail carrier leaving you nothing?
Etsai January 30 – February 27:
You have always had a weak spot for a pretty face holding pretty flowers on a pretty sunny day. This week, your invites will sit on “read.” Take yourself on a solo journey to a mountaintop and bellow out your sadness to the universe.
Doppelgänger February 28 – March 27:
This week Venus has pulled the old switcheroo on you and your twin. Finally, the good things are coming to you effortlessly, while they struggle to do the simplest tasks. Serves that creep right!
Sandwalker March 28 – April 25:
Get thee to a crag, friend. You need coverage and protection this week. Your shell, so hardened from heartbreak, needs time to mend. You had no way to know the impact they would have on your gentle heart until it was too late.
Sasquatch April 26 – May 24:
The time has come to spill the pine nuts – into a delicious twig berry pie! You seem to be the only one Venus leaves untouched this week. Celebrate, Sassy!
Chupacabra May 25 – June 22:
Could it be? After all that goat sucking you find yourself – gulp! – attracted to one? Limerence and longing look absolutely pathetic on you. Venus is a terribly cruel planet.
Lusca June 23 – July 21:
Much like Crabby, you need to make your way to a rocky crevice and hide. You have worked so hard and there is too much at stake for you to be caught up in Venus’ harsh love lessons. You stand to lose it all if you goof this up.
Centaur July 22 – August 19:
The crew will be unreachable this week as Venus puts thoughts of your worthlessness in their minds. It is a mind trick, that is all. The weekend brings reunion.
Goatman August 20 – September 17:
Mistress Venus cracks a whip of despair over all you attempt this week. Hold out, Goaty. It only lasts through Friday. The weekend brings restful reprieve from emotional torture.
Frogman September 18 – October 16:
It is good you are still M.I.A. Venus is harshing on all of us. You may still feel a need for extra bugs and grubs as you attempt to eat your way out of heartache.
The Loch Ness Monster October 17 – November 7:
Dive deep, Lake Creature. Stay far away from the mesmerizing shine Venus has cast over once still waters. No need to wonder if they will call or not. They shall call you not. Nor a text. Nor an email. You are terribly and bitterly alone.
Beast of Exmoor November 8 – December 6:
As a large beastly cat, you feel nothing for the losers in your wake. Who needs their pets? Their words of adoration? You are the epitome of Venus energy on Earth. Revel in it!
Mermaid December 7 – December 31:
Those sailors seem to have lost interest in your funny games this week. Switch to throwing shells at them instead. They may be affected by Venus, but you are not!
Venus is unkind and unmerciful. Her light takes prisoners and beats their hearts with a blunt object. There is only one word of advice I can offer – stay in the shade. That is all.
Love to all!
Lady Bacon
