Salut, les amis! World and personal events have been intensifying over the past weeks. My faithful Guides, La’La-Ra and Fai’th-Ra, have impressed upon me to keep it light this week. They also stated we could all use a makeover. I was surprised by this, as you may be. But, let’s go with it and see what they say.
The Grey January 1 – January 29:
Your grey skin looks ravishing when you wear blue, especially navy blue, which plays up the vacuous blackness of your eyes. Why not try contrasting with a white striped top to max out your snazziness?
Etsai January 30 – February 27:
One word: Eyelashes. Get them dyed darker to really make those peepers pop. If you are lacking in this area, try extensions.
Doppelgänger February 28 – March 27:
Since there are two of you, try a couple’s massage. This need not be awkward – ask for a divider between the tables for added privacy.
Sandwalker March 28 – April 25:
Those long legs would look amazing in a long flowing skirt or new pair of trousers. Try some vertical stripes to really enhance the look. A pattern of shells would look smashing.
Sasquatch April 26 – May 24:
I have mentioned this in the past – bows are very flattering on you. They help tone down any brutal aspects or your facial features and add a touch of cuteness to any outfit.
Chupacabra May 25 – June 22:
Unhand that goat! Try this protein shake instead. Give your gut a break by doing a partial fast of two meals of shakes and one meal of goat. You may surprise yourself by losing a couple pounds this week. No goat tastes as sweet as skinny feels!
Lusca June 23 – July 21:
You know what those tentacles need? Bling! Rings, bangles, diamonds, charms, gold, silver, whatever – mix it all up. Decorate every arm. You can never wear enough jewelry.
Centaur July 22 – August 19:
Schedule a Brazilian this week. Your backend is looking a bit too Sasquatchean Forest for anyone’s taste. After being turned down by that hottie last week, you need all the help you can get.
Goatman August 20 – September 17:
You are a funny goat, you should play that up this week. Maybe try something whimsical – bowling shoes or a 1950s pompadour. What about one of those flower lapel pins that squirt water? Anything to get a laugh.
Frogman September 18 – October 16:
Those eyebrows are getting bushy. Get them professionally groomed this week. It takes off 10 years just like that!
The Loch Ness Monster October 17 – November 7:
Schedule a half day at a beauty spa. Get the kelp scrub and mask combo, it feels fantastic! You will radiate so intensely afterward you may want to consider caving for a bit until the glow wears off.
Beast of Exmoor November 8 – December 6:
Getting groomed by a professional will make your fur silky and glossy. The personal attention feels just right for feline royalty like yourself. Roll around, stretch, and luxuriate, sweet Beast. You deserve it for existing.
Mermaid December 7 – December 31:
For ‘maids, a dainty necklace of sea glass or ethically sourced coral will set off the sparkle in your eyes. Mermen can adorn themselves with heavier versions of what the ‘maids wear and not feel emasculated. Flap your tail fins, bulge out those chest muscles, and make those lonely sailors swoon at your gorgeousness.
As you can see, even Guides can be shallow on occasion. I have often found them unresponsive while they spent hours engaged in grooming. This is the way of the Spirits, I suppose.
May the Most High Eck bless you and keep you beautiful this week!
Lady Bacon
